i'm gonna change today's topic. today's topic is: making a woman feel special.

there are tons of books littering shelves around the country that talk about how to make a man feel special. likewise some of the best-selling items (right up there after the half-naked woman on the front) of magazines are articles about making your man feel like a million dollars.

where are all the articles about how to make a woman feel special? (not to mention how to please a woman in bed, but that's another topic.) why is this? do men care? or...do they think they already know?

i can tell you right now, most single men don't know. no clue. those that do of course have a larger potential for being creepy crawly slime. meaning using it to manipulate women. so coming across a single man who really is a good man and can still make a woman feel special is a rare and fun occurrance.

why women continue to date men who don't make them feel special is something i'm just beginning to ponder. i think we're used to the idea that men just don't have a clue about some things. but does that make it any better? not a good excuse. do men date women who aren't good in bed? hhmmm, i would say not. so why do we date men who don't know how to make us feel special? dunno.

it really sucks to have to choose between a decent guy who is honest but has no clue and a slick guy who makes you feel great about yourself. feeling sexy, beautiful and wanted after going out with a guy is just too good to pass up. the problem is as most of us single women know, it's rarely followed up the real thing.

in any case, perhaps the answer lies in trying to show the guy your dating what makes YOU feel special. since no one publishes a manual and making a woman feel great probably involves as many different factors as there are women, here are my favorite things my dates have done to make me feel like i'm special over the years. some of them over the last few days & weeks. in no particular order.

1. making me feel wanted
2. being startlingly honest yet charming at the same time
3. not making me guess about how he feels about me
4. knowing how to sidestep money discussions on a first date: i.e. paying for the bill by magic at dinner so i never even see it
5. keeping his word...and letting me know up front when he can't keep his word
6. not giving me dumb compliments (like "you're really beautiful") until i know he means it
7. ordering white wine for us when he likes red
8. adopting my favorite restaurants as his own
9. not fighting back when i get mad
10. buying me roses
11. saying he was wrong. saying he's sorry even if he's not wrong
12. choosing me over his mother

these are a few basics without being too specific but i suppose the common theme in them is forethought, respect, and accomodation to my preferences. all techniques used to get a girl, but not so often used to keep her...but that's yet another topic.

tomorrow's topic: spontaneous combustion: the death of a date

today's topic: me!

so i bought a new url. seeingsingle.com. since it's already the name of my website & blog, i figured it fit. and no one had bought it yet. idiots. so here i am proud owner of a brand spankin' new url. hmmm. spankin'. hmmm.

anyhow, my friend suggested i make a portal site for singles. v. interesting. a good rainy day project with little returns but the entertainment value for me. but whatever. isn't that what it's all about when you're single? you got no kids so you have time and money to spend on junk.

so today it's all about me. me. me. after all, i am from the me generation. i'm not a boomer & i'm not a gen-x, so i'm a me. me me me me me. i'm also apparently still hungerover from last night.

so how does it feel to be me & single. wierd. very wierd. my view on the world is probably typical of other singles who watch their friends get married, have kids and divorce before we're ever married. then we're dating divorced people who were with one person all the time we were running around dating people.

so exes. so let me just rant for a minute about exes. who says it's ok to go on and on about your ex if your divorced but taboo to discuss your exes if you weren't? have you ever read those dating advisors who say don't talk about your exes on a date? well, shouldn't that apply to married people too? i don't really know actually, should it? i mean you have some sort of interest in this contractual agreement that was broken & what are chances of it happening to you also & what they've learned from it, but somehow it's just not very cool to talk about your single exes back. if he says my ex this, why can't i say my ex that? (is this because i'd have to say my ex four times removed or my ex that was really good at _______?) anyhow, for some reason i think miss manners would tell me not to. well, screw miss manners. i'm tired of twisting my stories around so that my exes become my friends. divorced people don't have to do that. they can just let their exes be their exes. no, i don't like the fact that my ex is not discussable, while dp's are. i don't like it at all.

the only way it's good is that...the one who does less talking learns more. so ok, ok, bring on the ex talk. and you can just WONDER about mine and hope to god you are half as good as they were. ;)

today's topic: men.

well, this will be a common topic so i'll call it man 1: let the games begin. ha. sounds like a crime.

so being single means that one must deal with men at some point or another. or at a lot of points. or so much so that one ends up looking pointyhaired like the little guy on that fantasy v game that my ex boyfriend used to play. but sometimes not having near as much fun as he did, while still having the same sort of life-threatening adventures.

so men are great. they're entertaining, cute as all get out (sometimes that's when they're the cutest, when they've gotten out), and full of surprises. mostly they like to be full of surprises.

i really love men a lot. contrary to anyone's opinion who has read my blog over the years. when i was little my diary was full of stuff about -- guys. it hasn't much changed. unless it's full of stuff about me -- thinking about guys.

there's always the point where you have to figure out in any relationship (assuming for the purposes of game playing a "relationship" starts the first time he looks back at you to check out your butt) who is actually doing what. and intending what to go where. it all gets very confusing. you want to say "here, let me straighten it out for you buddy. i'm interested in _________ (whatever it happens to be)". but then you remember how boring that is & you play games back. so there you both are playing games. and the problem is...you're not playing the same game he is. the first step in dealing with men is getting the same game going.

is he interested? is he interested in you? is he interested in you right now? is he interested in doing anything about that interested in you right now? and what about you? do you like him? do you like him the way he is? do you like him the way he is right now? and if you like him the way he is right now, will you like him the way he is in 5 minutes or 5 days or 5 weeks?

and you get to figure all this out while conducting a series of tests on each other from which you pretty much deduce the answers since neither of you are going to give away the whole store, even though you may throw over a bone or two.

then when you get this game going, the second step is to figure out the rules of this particular game with this particular guy. then the third step is real easy: deciding if you want to play or not. i'm not gonna go into these right now because i don't feel like it.

what about my friends in those relationships where they said there are no games? i don't believe them. everyone's got a game going on. everyone's hiding something. if you think this is bad, consider this...

i was told once by my very cute and womanizer cousin -- you never tell everything to a girl you're interested in. it gets boring. i didn't really believe him until i realized how bored i was with my boyfriend. cuz i knew everything. no surprises left.

if you don't believe me, just pick up the latest issue of cosmo and read up about the secrets men keep from their wives or whatever.

ok, so back to the point. man 1: men and game playing.

there is within our socialization a certain requirement to engage in socially appropriate behavior. a learned set of rules that one must comply with in order to be seen as acceptable. you trust people who follow these rules very well; you distrust ones who break them. for example, on a first date if a guy doesn't pay, he's a cheapskate no matter what the laws of equality say. if he doesn't open the door the first 10 times you go thru it, he's not a gentleman. and if he breaks both of these rules, plus he doesn't help you out with your chair, he asks you how many drinks you had when you've had one, and he doesn't have the b***s to save a chair for you before you arrived, he's a loser. even if he brings you roses. he's just a sweet loser. but he doesn't have a clue because he broke the rules.

so is rule following game playing? well, maybe. but it's a set of societal rules. you can break them only after you've followed them.

how does one decide which are acceptable games and which are bullshit? well, i guess it has to be a personal decision. you have to go with your gut.

[this is a very meandering blog. if you're getting bored about now i don't blame you but i also don't give a shit. you can always go read some other blog if you want or go find a few good men to play games with.]

so here's the big question. as your gut tends to be instinctual (if you're a woman) and your groin (if you're a man), assuming you're a woman reading this cuz a guy wouldn't have gotten this far ;) how do you follow it if it knows it just has to wade thru a bunch of bs games? does your gut consider societal rules games along the line of bs and how does it know the difference? what if your gut instinct is conditioned to think losers are ok? will it protect you at all?

and now finally getting to the point of this whole meandering: if you're a single woman trying to figure out if a guy is bs'ing you or not (and they all do at some point or another), how do you justify your decisions based on your gut reaction if you think your instincts are off?

i have no fricken idea. the only answer i can come up with is that ... you have to trust your friends. even if they all have differing opinions. you have to make good friends, train them to see you as you are, and then have them run the bs detector on the guy since yours is likely infected and unlikely to be accurate.

so ok. here it is folks. or folk, as you are reading this on your own i assume & not with the aid of other peeps.

seeing single implies that this blog is about being single. duh. smart ain't i. so it will be about being single. as at the moment i have things to say about the subject! (don't i always)

there comes the fine line between writing realism and having ones exes or dates read it. a problem all blogs encounter. however, i will try to approach that line carefully, balanced on one leg, and just barely touch the line with a toe without falling over it. you've seen how that's done. it's probably called toeing the line or something obvious like that. (but that implies one actually touches the line.) anyhow, i will try to cover the topic without either exposing myself to current dates or curious exes. yet make some sort of sense, and make this somewhat meaningful to other singles who have such full lives they'll never read it. ha ha.

so the topic of the day: scornful marrieds who cover their jealousy of us singletons by pretending WE are stupid, negligent and otherwise incapable because we have turned down offers for marraiges that they themselves have swamped themselves in, whether happily or unhappily

you've seen those people. they pat you on the head (sometimes literally) and say "you aren't married yet?" trying not to make the YET in capital letters. but they can't help themselves. and you want to smack them for their idiocy yet you can't because of the baby on their arm.

more later...

later...

so where was i. scornful marrieds.

well, let's see. statistically, if 1/2 of people are about to divorce, then which 1/2 do i think are patting me on the head? the envying 1/2 or the happy 1/2? seems to me if you're happy you don't need to gloat about it. skinny people don't usually gloat about not being fat. they just are happy being skinny. you don't really think about overweight people, not to gloat or anything. it just isn't an issue. i'm skinny, i worked hard to get here, i look good damn it.

the only time i need to gloat about being skinny is when i FEEL fat. then i have to compare myself because i ALREADY feel bad.

am i everyone? no. but using my bad analogy, someone who is happy where they are is happy & doesn't really need to make themselves better than someone else to feel good. that's a form of insecurity which is what -- NOT being happy.

so. scornful marrieds. you don't think that i realize you were a bitch in college? and why would you change now? and how does your husband like you that way? or you live a life of denial so even if you weren't happy being married, you could never admit it to yourself.

ugh. no bitterness here. no. just being pissed off at people who think being married is ALL THAT. i'm sure it is to some people, but what are chances head-patters are in the good 50%?! not likely.

hmmm. hello.

well, now that the blogmonster hath been silenced, he is silenced. and i can think of nothing to write! no one had wierdness on the way to work today, i didn't trip over my shoelaces, and i got the discount at CVS even without having my little swipe card. all in all, a good day but full of nothing interesting.

but then see, if i delete this blog and abandon it as unworthy of notice, i will again be harrassed, nay crushed by the blogmonster who demands to be heard.

so, monster, this is to you...

.........................................

a lot of nothing in your memory.