i am the dancing queen

i had an odd night. i was supposed to meet up with my friends to go to this benefit band thing & then when i didn't hear back for sure in time to make it, i decided not to go out. i got all bent out of shape & went through one of my longtime "nobody loves me" episodes which just isn't pretty. or fun. i cried all of my makeup off & took all my clothes off. i didn't throw them out the window though.

then my friend called back to confirm meeting up at another place & i found out the benefit had cost $20 so they weren't really encouraging people to go for only one hour for that. so everyone was meeting up at the next place. so i put my makeup back on & clothes back on (sorry guys) & went.

and had a blast.

i've learned to try to control those "nobody loves me" episodes because invariably if i let anyone know about them or do something dumb like act weak & whiny it's just a PITA. cuz i recover immediately and have a great time. so i've learned to reserve them all for me, the leftover legacy from my parents divorce that i need to observe in private.

(this part reminds me of alan alda's memoir that i'm currently reading. wow, i aspire to write like that.)

anyhow, the lead singer in the band looked familiar & then i realized when my friends arrived he's the lead singer in one of their bands. they were great.

the lead singer, really wants me. i mean in general. like he was literally grabbing my ass the last time i saw him. last night my friend helped us along a bit by saying, after he complimented my newsboy hat (of the hat blog) "wouldn't she look good with just that hat on?" but i'm not really going there right now. i dunno. he's a band boy & that sounds like a headache.

anyhow, i danced all night, & caught the attention of this kinda nerdy guy with glasses who was pretty cute. i went over to dirty-dance with him later & he ended up asking me to come with his friends. and then catch the morning train home. i was tempted but something was a little wierd about him so i didn't. he did kiss good though.

i think it's only the first or second time a guy has wanted me to come home with him. somethin' must be changing b/c i think i've tended to scare guys off before. i like whatever that is... :)

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this sorta story reminds me a bit of jackie o. i hear she had a rough internal experience, due to her mother's constant criticism. (and wow, look at princess diana's mom screaming at her calling her a slut & a whore.) my mom never did that, but my dad's lack of love really spills over into my whole life. i see it everwhere, even when it doesn't exist.

but back to jackie o. beautiful, stunning legacy of a woman. but i can imagine her back in her room crying before she went out too.

and then there's the byline of j lo in a recent magazine (allure?) that reads she doesn't cry in the bathtub anymore.

i guess being a woman is about that. you laugh, you cry. and the odd thing is, for me, if i stop crying, i stop laughing. something about cleaning out the garbage with tears to make room for the sunshine.

but that's far-off from hot guys & dating topics.

or is it??

last night i was actually sparkly. you'd never imagine for a moment i'd just been crying my eyes out an hour before.

ha. maybe i should cry everytime before i go out & see how many guys i could have brought home. or maybe next time i'll actually do it....