spinning

sometimes it's interesting to just sit back & watch yourself spin.

today i'm doing that.

what i meant by that is, we all have issues, & how they present themselves & what we do about them is a clear pattern. people interact with us based on a knowledge of these patterns. so once they are established, both we and other people follow a set path - maybe to the distruction of the relationship.

today i'm sitting back & watching myself spin around about mr. big not setting a time to meet up yet. i already know from dating him that his timeline for missing me is longer than mine. and that he's not going anywhere. he keeps his friends for years. and that he is checking out my myspace page again. and probably waiting for me to spin out of control & be my clingy self again.

but instead, fortunately, i've learned to spin in place. i suppose none of you played with tops, but i actually have spun a couple. when they spin in place it's a beautiful thing. it's when they start going out of control that it gets wacky & they fall down. me, i'd like NOT to spin. but since i do, it's best to try to make it - a beautiful thing!

i went yesterday to get massage done again on my neck, doing a current series of 10 visits. my therapist is just fantastic & creates a very warm and comforting place to heal, which i told him. which i need b/c yesterday i had a very odd experience on the table. he started working on this part of my neck which must be the apex of all my physical & emotional pain. and i got dizzy on the table. bizarre. then i started crying, which i have done before & just felt like i would start sobbing. after that i was immediately flooded with this sense of well-being which rarely shows up & just felt totally connected to reality & normal again.

well, i held off on the sobbing part, that's today. but i feel like some part of me has been opened up & here i am with all my emotional pain flooding out & it feels just wonderful. to be released finally.

i had so much fear, pressure and anxiety when i was performing the violin & it's still all held in my muscles. a toxic dump i guess for my past. nice to have that dissipating!!

so of course all the energy from yesterday is focused on mr. big & i'm all angsty about him. but at least i'm spinning in place.

so back to where i began. my ongoing struggle to let guys stay in my life. it's just very difficult. i'm such a runner i don't know how to just nurture what i have with a guy that i like. i've reached a place that we haven't been to before - where i am (trying to be) approving & accepting of him & enjoy him but here i am just being all, you don't like me. he does like me in his own way. that way is not mine. i can live with it, seek to encourage him to see me more, or leave.

but complaining or threatening is spinning out of control. not sexy. and he will leave.

since this was my very first time saying hey, i'd like to see you, i am not quite sure what to do if it doesn't work within my timeline. throw out my timeline? readjust it? just walk away?

right now i am dating new guys but they don't interest me or aren't interested in me. essentially he is my only date/friend.

the interesting thing is, i am not emotionally & physically well enough yet to spend a lot of time with people. if i actually look at whether i want to see anyone or not it is yes, but. there is also the interesting thing that i don't really consider whether i really want to see someone or not. i just think, well i'm dating them or they're my friend. they should want to see me!

i think this is true. i should only be friends with people that want to see me when i want to hang out. yet i routinely seek guys out that put an even larger distance between us than i would like so i can always try to close the gap. that is my preference. i have never been attracted to guys that are trying to get closer to me.

i wish i could fix this, but it is the way it is right now. it's not so far off from what doclove talks about, that women like to chase. so maybe it is just this want what i can't have thing.

either way, i remain conflicted about what i want vs. what i need. and in my head, i feel like i am not getting my needs met. so again my choices are to a) accept things & stay or b) leave quietly & give no advance notification. but playing games or hard to get isn't gonna work so that option is out.

i don't quite understand why i'm going through this whole internal conversation at my age. you'd think i would have figured this out. i just don't know why this remains an issue. but since i am still single and have remained that way because i did not want to settle for a guy that i wasn't crazy about, i am still facing it.

ok, enough heavy stuff. on to some more fun stuff in the next blogs.