just can't get away with it

i'm fascinated by my doc's read of me. yesterday he was telling me something & said "i don't remember if i told you this before..." & i said, "no, you didn't, it was probably some other chic." & he went like whoa.

& then he just was like wait a minute, i don't know when you're joking or serious if you say things like that, and i don't know how to respond to them. and he just wouldn't let it go. i was very fascinated. so i listened to him talk about it & didn't really know what to make of it. as he told me once, i just kind of walked around the issue & looked at it for a while. i'm still not sure what it was all about.

i finally said well, i'm not sure what i meant. i mean i might have meant that you might have said this to some girl in the hallway or i might have meant it for what it sounded like. i don't really know. i mean i said it & all, so you can take that for what it is. he seemed relieved at that answer, that i said i didn't know what i meant.

i have to clarify with him what his point was. i think it was that he wanted me to explain what i meant by it. but since he didn't directly ask, i wasn't sure what form my response was supposed to take.

this is the second time something like this has happened with him. and i like it. it is uncomfortable, like the hands of some new massage therapist on you, but it is cool. i told him gee, you don't let me get away with anything do you? i kinda like that. he said he did actually...

part of me is very uncomfortable with this level of disclosure. i am a hider. i don't reveal things. but i guess my discomfort with how fast things were moving & the potential for it to all be a hoax came out that way, in a snide comment about who else he might be seeing - aka confusing with me in his head...

in any case, we moved past the awkward part of that conversation & went on.

this happened once before, where he immediately reflected back to me how the intent of my communication with him was perceived. i find it refreshing and terrifying. i mean people don't usually tell you how your actions impact them in the moment it happens, and they definitely don't stop you & say, whoa, wait a minute. people tend to let sleeping dogs lie until they turn into vicious killing machines & that's the end of a relationship.

but actually i've started doing this myself lately. a long-time childhood friend said something rude about my mother and i immediately said, wow, that's not nice. so i'm starting to do that myself. but it is rare and uncomfortable.

i'm still not sure how i feel about this. he is a loving person and he cares about me so his questioning is not designed to do anything but define how i feel about him in return, it seems. but it is strange. i need to pursue this more to see what it's all about.

i do rather like a manly man though, one who can call me on my BS & say, hey! yo! what??

very like.