oh the horror

i cried my eyes out a few nights ago, just terrified. it is absolutely considered a life-threatening experience for me (by my psyche) to really really like someone. it's like i have this fear of thawing out in the hot tub, that if i do, when i melt, i will have no spine left at all & then turn into a wet spaghetti noodle. which will then be consumed by a mean monster of noodles, and i will cease to exist.

part of this is that i tend to flip-flop from highly independent to highly dependent & guys just go WTF? at that. not like i don't.

i'm trying to figure out how to transition slowly from in- to dep- and still maintain a sense of self. it's a very shaky sense of self i have anyway.

the good thing is, is that my doc highly values the self he has seen in me, and he wants to keep it. he's not one about having me be his-self, but my-self. (yes, there are guys who just want you to be whatever they want...)

i think part of my terror is that it's too much too soon. i mean, i've known him less than 1 month. this is not 3-, 6- or 9-month conversations were having. so i think my reticence to jump in & risk noodling is warranted. he, on the other hand, believes in the theory of loving like you've never been hurt. part of me skeptically thinks that is a fine strategy for a guy who is pursuing & deciding when to call & when not to. or when to visit. he can just back off & stop & then he is protected. me, i have to decide how much to let him in.

alison armstrong talks about how receiving from a man is an active behavior. that is so true. there is nothing passive about it. the whole concept of sex is based on that. in the pursuit or whatever it is, you decide, based on the guy's intentions, what you will allow. this is what frustrates men so much about women. that we control their advances. the challenge is to receive with grace and yet keep some sort of protection up (yes, i have to do this) so that if he decides after 3 months or 3 dates or 3 minutes not to keep calling, then i will not jump back out in the snow & freeze myself again for another few years of men-free existence.

actually there's not much chance of that, as lately my problem is just how to handle the guys i currently have in my life. my female counselors (i.e. mom, friend) say it's fine to piss off a few guys about now that have no intention of being anything but playmates, in favor of someone who is actually serious about me & what we've got.

in that line, i've decided not to contact mr. NY when i go to NY, and if he contacts me, i will think twice about even seeing him. he is very good at seducing me, and given that my doc will probably be calling to find out how my conference presentations went, i'm not sure that i want to have him realize i'm not spending the night alone. and in fact, i'm not sure i'm even interested in fooling around with mr. NY anymore unless i don't have any other options. which now i do.

the reason being that in the level of respect for me, my doc appears to respect me somewhere near the top of empire state building, while mr. NY's level lands somewhere near the first floor. i was warned about mr. NY's lack of disrespect for women and i sure heard it when we had a fight and he said he'd wish he never met me, and other very mean things that had no reason to be said, given that we were only fighting b/c i asked him what something he said meant.

given what mr. NY said to me & how mean he was, i actually should have just not bothered again. but we've made up &, well, we'll see.

i have no standing commitment to my doc at this point so i can still do whatever i want, but i'm finding whatever i want to do is changing. i'd rather have an emotionally-satisfying conversation with him than fool around with another guy who doesn't respect me or particularly care what i do now or any time.

i must be - maturing?