on the move again...

i'm packing for LA this weekend. i actually never unpacked from FL. thank goodness for this vacation. this is one to clear my head on.

so i'm just taking a lot of the same stuff i did before. i don't really care what i wear or what i look like. i tend to spend so much time matching each outfit but the people i'm with don't even seem to notice. so why bother.

i mean if i'm going to break up with anyone i ever date, ever, why bother to be attractive anymore? i enjoy it for myself, but there's no reason to consider anyone else's opinion about me anymore. it's just more pain & hassle.

i guess i should just keep my suitcase packed. much easier that way. except, i hate having it in my bedroom. i need to find a better place. that, and the laundry. just in the way. annoying. my bedroom should be my sanctuary, not my storage.

in other news, the crazy professor or his friend keep checking this blog to see if i have taken their number down yet. I TOOK IT DOWN DAMMIT. stop reading my blog. if they don't stop reading, i'm gonna have to make it password protected. i think i have already taken off google searchability, not sure. i don't need any more stalking from crazy people.

my ex lawyer, the one i'm going to see in la, was supposed to call him & tell him to get lost or else. meaning, i'd file a complaint & does he want a police record? doubtful. but would be fun at this point since i'm in the mood to be nasty to men since one was just nasty to me.

how many days & still nothing from the jerk. not one single anything. i am just astounded at this. he was a christian, in my church. if he never shows up again, i will certainly never trust guys in my church again either. i mean, not that i really did before, my dad being a pastor & all. some of the most selfish guys in the world - especially the ones i have met - think righteousness comes before love, which is apparently what the jerk thinks.

how he can hold hands with me & pray over breakfast & then disappear after supper, knowing that abandoning me is the worst thing that i could ever go through, is just evident of - what? that's the thing. i don't know what.

nobody knows what. nobody i talk to has any answers for this. except mr. la, who is not only kind, but insightful.

he said - well, i guess he'll call when he's ready. until then, don't waste your time on him.

ok. yes. i'm listening, says she who just wasted the last 2 minutes on him.

oh well.

i had a nice time with mr. busy last night. i kept it platonic, partly because i think i've lost my infatuation, partly because i know he would disappear for 6 weeks again anyway & why why make myself attached to him for even a new york minute. what is that anyway? did i make that up, or does that phrase really exist? i think it is real. hmmm.

anyway. so off i go to lick my wounds in LA. i think this will be the pamper me trip. i will be with two guys & i think it is time to take care of me trip. i think that i will sit back, let them do all the thinking & massaging & whatever else, & just enjoy. i really deserve it, having gone to all this effort, oh wait, not to waste any more time on jerkevents.

well, my blog isn't fun to read anymore. trust me, it is less fun to write. i have no thing left to do but keep trying to get over the jerk.

the last communication i left him, and i mean the very very last, was to say how much i liked and valued him, and etc. that will make him run even further, but nothing wrong with having the last word from MY SIDE be sweet. i seek to forgive, even as i grumble, and know that whatever is going on, it is better i am not there and don't know.

a little secret i learned from my cheater ex, btw. if a guy is not telling you what's going on YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW. trust me. it's nothing you would like. it will just cause you pain.

i noticed how true my axiom was, #19 i think? i mean my blogirlz rules. if someone is going to leave they just do it, they don't advertise. this describes both my cheater ex & the jerkometer. it also describes mr. NY who kept telling me goodbye, but is still very around.

oh well. live and learn.

if i can. in my head my life stretches out before me, barren, childless & loveless. there is no "right" way to fix this. i feel like the jerk was the last option, ever. the best i thought ever, & the last. so i will have to consider how to fix my life the "wrong" way.

i don't want to be like jennifer aniston who i am now starting to disrespect. girl, if you want a baby, get one. you will then get a man who loves you and it, like angelina.

i'm torn though between this & guys like mr. NY who say they'll not date a woman with kids. so this would limit my options. more.

ha. from what?

from nothing to less than nothing?

or from guys i don't want to date, to guys i really don't want to date?

it sucks. sucks. sucks. when you don't settle.