see-saw

retrospect is a wierd thing. one minute you see things this way, the next you saw them that way.

after an earlier tirade (which i erased) about my impressions about a number of things about the jerk, i now have appropriately (about the time for bed) landed upon a conclusion:

that thank goodness he left, otherwise i would have been stuck with him.

sometimes it's hard to realize that being a couple, as intoxicating as it sounds, means you sacrifice yourself to the integrity of the other person. that is a very good thing if they like to treat their sacrificial offerings well. like princesses with feelings. (why do men prefer them without?)

if, on the other hand, you want to still exist somewhere as yourself, oh my. that is another problem. because you need to be still like jello in a mold on your sacrifical alter in his opinion, whereas you rather think of yourself as the main dish.

i'm losing my way here, what was the topic again? rants tend to be random. a wierd thing about rants. ok, another tangent....[runs to check title of blog]

oh. see saw. now i see what i didn't saw before. a number of interesting things that i never identified in guys i dated before. which is why as i stated, they were fog. things like me (as in myself) being invisible, but rather a reflection of how he saw himself & his ideal woman, his criticism of me that displayed itself in the oddest moments, how super sweet he was, taking better care of me than i took of myself, his absorption with himself & his own activities (which made me suspicious that even if i lived in his HOUSE i wouldn't be visible), how he controlled so many things.

mr. new york coming over the weekend after i got back really put this into perspective. he was just so - laid-back. whatever i wanted was ok. however i dressed. he didn't ask me to dress up for him. he didn't pick the restaurant. maybe he didn't like me but really, he wasn't projecting & wasn't trying to get me to be anything other than - in bed. hee hee. (however, seriously, exactly the place the jerk didn't want to be. proving, it wasn't me...) but anyhow. what a difference.

remember a few months ago i got super emotional in front of mr. ny. we had a knock-down-dragout fight over text about whether he was a klepto or not (i now think not but then...hmmm). & we have made up. more than once. lol. & now just to have him here, so refreshingly non-controlling. especially when he tells me, yes, you are very fu*kable & goes to prove it a time or two. proving again what mr. la said (minus the f*ing activity) that - it wasn't me.

yes. i now see. i am blaming myself for this whole thing.

must mean - i'm a woman. ;)