lonely

i am so lonely tonite. i don't want to be alone. i tried a couple people, they were busy. new boy? is out of town.

i thought of calling up my, uh, standbys, but they only come over for one reason.

and new boy? tends to text every night wondering what i am up to.

so i am in a quandary.

supposing he and i get into a r-ship, he lives an hour away. if he doesn't want to meet up a couple times a week (which it seems is not on the agenda yet) then i want company. i live alone, duh. of course i want to hang out with someone.

and then, that means the only people that want to hang with me on a regular basis are - my guys.

if i am lonely, i will get resentful. if i keep seeing them, i'm afraid of losing him.

what to do. i don't know.

i am not used to having limitations on my behavior. especially self-imposed ones. but i'm afraid if i just keep doing what i have been, he's gonna think i just play the field & am not interested in settling down. i already know these guys don't want anything more from me, so there is nothing to be hurt by me just not seeing them for a while until i know where things stand with new guy?. but then. i am home. alone.

which is right back where we started from.

girls do not like to hang out. my girlfriends i see rarely, like every 2 weeks or 2 months. except for my neighbor here, who has her whole group of friends.

the only people i hang with is my guys, and i finally got to a point where i am all set with enough of them that chances are one guy will want to come over.

and then i meet new guy?. monkeywrench. i really do want to wait and see what will happen but he hasn't asked me to be exclusive. in fact, i'm the one acting like we are.

i'm afraid i'll screw this up...

so far i'm doing ok. he said i was a sweetheart last night and so far, i haven't done anything (like an emotional outburst that i am famous for) to make him think otherwise. but he is a scorpio, and very discerning about my behavior. let's just say he will know what i am up to, because i don't lie and he asks questions.

i guess i should just assume we are in a r-ship and see if it works for me. after all, i want him. it's only been 1 month, 2 more to go until i see if he's for real, according to sax boy whose opinion i believe.

so the question is can i be voluntarily lonely for 2 more months - thru christmas - until i see where things are going? well, i guess mom will be here for a few weeks of it, and i will be going out of town, and there is the holidays. maybe i can hang in there until the new year. actually, valentines' day, specifically, i will know what he thinks.

no guy that has been in like/love with me has ignored valentines day. they have all shown very clearly where they stand. which means that i've gotten exactly one set of flowers/cards from my ex-boyfriend who ultimately wanted to marry me. the rest just tried to pretend the day didn't exist. as you recall, the disappearing doctor didn't even take me out to dinner.

so yes, i guess the stress test for this guy will be v-day. that will be 3 months and by then i should know whether not hanging with these guys is worth it.

if - we even make it until then...