la la la

well, i am singing "la la la" like babe today (you know, to the tune of jingle bells...)

i decided to brave my fears and actually have a conversation with mr. india about whether he would choose/defend me to his mom. while he didn't say he was going to tell her anything since of course there is nothing to tell after 1 month, he made it very clear that it was his choice who he was going to spend his life with. she hadn't been able to introduce him to anyone yet that interested him, and it was his life.

given that he's a scorpio, and has never lived in india, i actually have some level of confidence that he would stand up for me if it made sense.

the thing is though, one of the qualifications he said he was looking for in a successful relationship was that it be practical. yeah, i can't really see where marrying an older white woman would be practical. that's the antithesis of practical.

it does also tie into what i was doing this weekend - attending another understandmen.com conference - men & marriage. one of the 12 things men look for is "a safe future" with a girl. yeah. i don't think i'd make that possible. or practical. nice as i am, i am not good marriage material for him.

which brings up the question of if i want to be married anyway. it's a lot of work. i dunno. i might like the advantages, but i don't like feeling less than, and i see a whole lot of less than with a younger indian guy. as i am less than ideal.

right now though, all i have to go on is my trust in his integrity that he is doing what is right for him and me at the moment, and that he will continue to do so. if what is right for him becomes what's wrong for me, then he will have the integrity to do that also, and that will be that. that's the way life is. men choose their partners based on practicality. i'm not that. at all. but heck.

why would i walk away just in case? i've done that so many times. this guy makes my life better in so many ways - which he has been doing from the minute i met him - and cutting off my nose to spite my face seems such a waste.

maybe i can just do it later?

in the meantime i should stop talking about it. everyone tell me basically i'm crazy to believe that he would choose me over his mother and tradition. i think they're right.

but do i want to be right or happy?

yeah.

"la la la..."

that about says it all.