choices that we make

all the choices that i made over the years are catching up with me. i just turned 39 with no kids & no boyfriend. or rather, no guy that i want to have kids with, though more than one would probably have a kid with me. i have money to be a single mom, but little incentive to do so on my own.

what's annoying me most is losing the lack of choice in the matter. not the fact that i don't have kids now. i was never particularly excited about having kids. it was just an assumption i made. but i have never made decisions based on my desire for kids.

it's interesting that my ex boyfriend, who left me b/c i was upfront about having kids sooner rather than later, is now engaged to a woman my age. in a classic case of turn about is fair play, i have heard through the grapevine that they are having the kids discussion. so he's back in the hotseat again. i wonder if he'll bail on her too? for her sake, i hope not. but since i think she doesn't deserve him, i'm not sure how bad i'm hoping not.

so here i am, crying in the dressing room of some store during lunch break, frustrated at my choices.

ah the wisdom in aging. maybe really all it is - is recognition of where you screwed up, or didn't, and why you made your choices. or the acceptance of them. i am unable to do either right now. therefore feeling very unwise. but definitely aged.