blah

i feel very blah today. you know, one of those days where you feel it doesn't really matter if you live or die, no one will notice.

one of those life is futile days.

then i was standing by the elevator thinking, well, i guess it would matter if i HURT someone's feelings, so i guess i can try not to be a negative influence i guess. to look at things perversely...

i'm wondering too if i should attempt to get back with my workaholic ex. have i really changed? can i really be ok with him working so much?

i almost drunk-texted him last night & then didn't. my text ran along these lines: i don't want to get married for the status of it (which was his take on it, before i clarified that he was the one i wanted to marry, not just anyone), i want to get married so i can love someone & not have to stop. (thank goodness for delete buttons.)

but is that enough? is loving someone who is not around much sufficient for me? perhaps it is, since i grew up that way anyway, with an absent father. and now have been single for years. perhaps it would just be the addition of a secure, stable person that i love in my life, in fact that would be enough. even if the reality weren't all there. at least i love the guy more than anyone else. and have done so for years.

you always have to make choices. what is mine?