i'm lovin' it

i have been honored to be selected by two-date diva to try out engagement chicken. apparently, it makes a guy think wifely thoughts.

my thoughts are these.

i'm rushing out to buy stock in purdue. and i don't mean chicken stock. apparently purdue has struck a deal with de beers diamonds. the firm will receive 5% kickback from the diamond king due to their heavy influence toward diamond sales.

here's my meal plan.

first, i will light a single lavendar candle. or is it vanilla? just to be safe, i'll light both. then i will spritz myself with pheremones in strategic places (similar to the placement of the lemon on the chicken). then i will prepare some shrimp as a whore-duerve, or however you spell that. cinnamon rolls and pumpkin pie will be prebaked but post-warmed for best results. just in case he misses the pumpkin concept, i'll put a big one on the table too.

the wedding march will be softly playing in the background, and the table-cloth will be a paisley pattern of marraige license applications.

so the guy doesn't notice all this, a football game (not the patriots. i need him to be engaged. ooops, freudian slip) will be playing on the far wall.

then i will serve the engagement chicken, bowing slightly to my future master, while my right boob shows slightly through my unbuttoned blouse. this is further to distract the guy from the fact that i've never cooked a chicken in my life. therefore, the chicken is actually frozen & spraypainted golden brown.

my hope is that either he will watch the football game or grab my boobs & we'll forget all about the food. after all, being so anesthetized by the aromatic & seductive fragrances which are guaranteed to stimulate his lustier side, he should have no need to eat to get turned on.

if my guy doesn't propose after this delightful meal, i will call up my ex, and even though he's a defense lawyer, i'll have him sue purdue, which is in fact behind the whole engagement chicken concept.

i do think that someone should be held liable for the failure of this lovely meal to produce desired results.