impatient love

hurry up & love me before you change your mind.

and leave.

i know you will, they always do.

if you take time to think about it, will you love me still?

will i love you?

who says love takes time to grow?

from what i've seen, it just takes time to fade.

or maybe you never loved me yet

nor ever will.

nor i you.

but one thing is sure -

we don't have time to find out.

love is fleeting.

flighty.

fragile.

whisper and it's gone.

so love me now.

or never.

i want you to want me, i need you to need me...

ego is a big thing in relationships. it's hard to walk away from someone who feeds your ego, especially if you're an ego-driven person. and who isn't.

therefore, if you decide a relationship is not for you, and your ego tells you it is, you play this tug of war. expressed so well by this song that i love, the theme song from 10 things i hate about you.

even if you haven't yet ID'd 10 things you hate about somebody (sometimes 1 is all it takes) letting them go "back to themselves" is difficult.

ego is why we keep around ex-boyfriends & call them up every once in a while to see if they are still in love with us. ooops. it's why our exes indulge us.

and i think, the only way to conquer this ego is to - admit it. and, gulp, stop using our past-boys as toys.

and the only way to avoid being used for someone's ego is to - rise above them. be apathetic, be friendly. be who are you again? that way when they seek you out to meet their ego needs, they either drop you from the list or realize they have to work for that ego boost.

since people want what they can't have (in this case, for you to want them), it draws them back in. it renews the challenge. now you're back on display on the "new" shelf where other guys want to bid on you & no longer in the "used" section of the store. and your value has exponentially increased. & therefore, the value to their ego much higher than before.

my new mantra: no more discounts on ego massages.

you want me to feed your ego?

pay the price.

that is, IF you can afford it...

practice makes theories

ladies, a question for you that i'm struggling with.

there are two versions of thought.

one is the "why men love bitches" version, tell the guy you don't want anything serious & he'll want it.

the second is the "getting to i do" version which is basically negotiate the commitment first, before sex.

i haven't found good luck with the second version. i've waited 3 months before sleeping with guys & done that whole speil & it seems to make little difference. sure, i may have a boyfriend for a few months, but ultimately the relationship takes its course anyway.

i haven't had particularly good luck with the first version either, finding it rather deceptive. sure, don't tell the guy you want a relationship necessarily, but why lie to him that you don't?

my best luck has been where i did whatever felt right at the time & just kept being friends with the guy & asking him out or responding to him asking me out as the occasion arose. kind of a back & forth that had less to do with negotiation or defining the relationship than just being in the same place at the same time & having fun with him.

as long as i kept showing up in his life & we kept having fun, things moved forward. when i started to try to negotiate or manipulate where they were going, things stopped.

so what about theory #3: take it as it comes, hold your own, and see where things go?

after all, guys that tell you they're not ready are ready for someone else. and guys that tell you they don't want to explain themselves while they are explaining themselves, are still - explaining themselves. so trying to get a verbal response that has any lasting power while the relationship isn't where you want it to be seems pointless.

i think i'll pick what's behind door #3 & see how that goes...

how can we be friends if we can't be lovers?

my switch to being friends with mr. ny was so successful, that i'm now even more confused. he immediately answers my e-mails (related to former co-workers, my work etc.) & is more responsive than before.

before there was a 2-day lag in response, now it's more like 2 minutes.

no doubt this means nothing, but it's interesting.

what i've learned about myself over the weekend was that i'm v. scared of losing the men in my life. any men. and trust me, they all go. my aim this time to fast-track-back to friends was an effort NOT to do that, since he seems an admirable friend but poor lover.

so now i've got what i want, which is nice.

how to turn my focus to other guys that i have no interest in, i'm not sure. but it has to be done. ugh. better to listen to what a guy says (we don't have a relationship) than what he does (act like he's having one).

why do i always mix up this friends & lovers crap? now that he's in the role of my ex-boyfriends, i'm even more confused.

FWB

this guy's take on FWB is interesting...

"If I ever do find myself in another serious relationship it will have grown from a FWB relationship. If you're interested in the guy go for it. Think of it as a mutual test drive. FWB is a much more HONEST relationship than dating or starting off with the intent of long term. Since it's more casual and relaxed you get to know who the person REALLY is a lot faster because you aren't trying to impress or woo each other. And you're a lot less willing to turn a blind eye to any red flags that pop up. If you two are really compatible it will naturally progress from there."

i kinda like this view...sure saves energy on the game-playing. thing is you gotta be water-safety-instructed. no use realizing when you're in over you're head that you can't swim.

of course, it takes into account, that being a woman, i am swimming in emotion. so there you have it. i've decided no FWB. i want the whole cahuna or cajones, whatever you say. what's the purpose of drowning myself while the guy sails off into the sunset with someone else?

nada.

selling without inventory

i don't know why guys have to sell us on relationships to get us to have sex. especially if the deed is already done.

if you just want sex dude, do that. i clearly had sex with you already without having a relationship. why confuse us both with pretending you want one? don't be all up in my life, wanting to know all about it. just want to fuck me? then just do that.

yeah, sure, i like you. i'd like a relationship with a cool guy. but if that's not you, then it's not you.

life goes on.

middle earth

i'm a highly emotional person.

i'm also highly analytical.

this drives me crazy.

so to get over this guy & all others, i've decided to create a place called middle earth.

in middle earth, i am neither. i just AM.

i go to that place in my head and let everything go. i don't feel, i don't think, i just be.

ah PEACE.

shoots & ladders

girls, you CAN'T miss this! LMAO.

found this on my search trying to figure out if mr. ny actually only wants to be friends, or just agreed b/c i called it first...

http://www.laddertheory.com/

tigress luv

ladies if you haven't yet met the tigress, allow me to introduce you.

actually, she is no longer around, but her writings are at liftedhearts.net.

this is my favorite break-up, make-up and fake-up site.

luv it...

just one look

well, to my surprise, mr. ny apparently meant it about being good friends. the "good" was his addition. regardless, i did too. i still tried to help him with a job search & he was like, see you can be nice when you want to be. i replied, of course i am sweet when i can be. (CAN be. as in, you make it possible.)

so anyhow, yesterday i was all emotional about something & since he had said call anytime, I e-mailed & said, this is me calling. how do i handle this, mr. rational?

he called me immediately & we talked through it. this really surprised me as i haven't dated (or non-dated) a guy before who has been so responsive when i ask for something. he asked me if i was ok, which i thought was the sweetest thing. oddly enough, his advice was something i had done already. (i didn't tell him that.) so obviously i thought it was right on. again underscoring why i liked the guy in the first place.

at the end of the conversation he called me "cutie" as usual, which i didn't expect. i sent back a cyber-kiss & a you rock just to make him feel successful. which i thought he needed after the disastrous weekend.

after the drama of the weekend this is a surprising turn of events. i will def keep him in my little black book - just realizing we can make no plans of any kind which i think he will find funny to bump up against. sometimes it's pretty amusing to entrap people in their own behavior & let them see just how crazy it is. oh, i'd love to see you, but since we can't make any plans, why don't you just give me a call & see if i'm still available while you're on your way over. ;) can't wait to say that.

also last night i went out with mr. reporter from ny, an industry contact. he has a girl, which is fine, but we had a great time with dinner & then stopped by this irish bar with live music. i had a blast & just the time i spent looking at him thinking "hmmm, is he still with his girl or not?" was enough time for me to realize mr. ny isn't the end of the line, plenty more guys out there.

sometimes just one look is all you need to remind you - love is right around the corner.

actually, there could be some more love around the last corner, which is what i think both of us is counting on, even though we don't get along well. but it's always more important to see around the next bend than focus on the last one where you ran over the curb.

war stories

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