emotionally immature men - UPDATED

i was asked to do this post, and i think it is a great one. thank you for asking me, anonymous. it is very healing to write this.

i'm not an expert, and yet i am. my father fits this category to a t, and after living with him for years and then trying to get along with him after he left, i've got a few comments that i could make. i love my father, but i see things for how they are now, and as you can see from my blog, struggle daily to avoid getting attached to guys like him.

how can you spot these guys & what do you do with them? here's my thoughts...

mama's boys

this is so clear that i will use only two examples to explain it.

there is a picture of my father at his first wedding. his beautiful wife is holding on to his arm. he is holding onto his mother's arm.

where did my father go when he left us, his second family of kids? back to live with his mother. again.

girls, if they want mamma, let them have her. don't even try tug of war. just drop the rope. you do not want to try to win this one. first of all, you can't. second, you won't want your prize.

spoiled men

it's not only in how a guy treats his mother, it's also how he's been raised by his mother. spoiled children make selfish, insecure, unhappy men. when they say things like "i want to do what i want to do all the time," (gasp) someone has trained them they can do this. there is nothing worse than a spoiled man. spoiled men are made by mothers that dote on them, refuse to discipline them, or make them their emotional husbands. these guys are miserable and they will take it out on you.

angry men

these men are angry because they don't have boundaries. not being punished for their mistakes when they are spoiled leaves them eternally angry at their mothers for their perceived lack of love. because face it, punishment & reaction to someone's action is a form of love.

men don't listen to words, they listen to action. what did mr. ny read from my anger? i care enough to get upset. with mr. cuba i was trying to explain to him how to be a challenge to women & what we like. (nothing like giving a guy a CHANCE!) what did he reply? you took the time to do this so i know you cared. watch a guy try to make you jealous. what is his intent? to get you ANGRY, because then you care.

angry men are formed when their mothers didn't get angry [not assuming that mother's should discipline in anger, but continuing the concept]. they didn't respond appropriately to their need for discipline. they didn't learn boundaries, the mother didn't respond when they stepped over the line, therefore they think their mothers didn't care. this creates residual anger toward women.

insecure men

everyone is insecure. but insecure men are especially hard to deal with b/c this turns into a need to control. it also turns into unreasonable jealousy. and clinginess. with insecure men, YOU are the man instead.

when a boy isn't taught boundaries, he is insecure in where he fits in society and with women. since he is never corrected for behavior that hurts other people, he doesn't have a sense of security about how to relate to them and make them happy. he doesn't feel confident he can make a woman happy, and so he never feels entirely like he's THE MAN. he's not quite sure, and you won't be either.

insecure men won't go places on their own. like go visit their daughter just by themselves. they won't venture out without a support system, and this means that if you are with one of these guys, you are chained to him. it's exhausting. he needs you because he is afraid to function on his own. this is not taking care of your needs as a woman, this is you taking care of him. and that is not what feminine women do - they give back, they don't give first. an insecure guy wants you to give first, and then keep on giving because his emotional needs are boundless.

selfish men

this is the primary sign of emotionally immature guys. when a guy thinks it's all about him and that he actually can do anything he wants, he is either spoiled or hasn't grown up yet (or both). there is no case in life where you can do this without losing the people you love. so it shows you are in a place where you won't be with people you love.

i can't imagine a guy respecting any woman who put up with this. so if he is allowed to abuse her by being selfish, on some level he's got to disdain her for taking it. where would the love be in this relationship? and the respect? yeah, mr. ny must have been annoyed when i called him on his actions, but that is now balanced by a healthy level of respect. yes, i miss you and want you around but only if you will treat me well.

from a true life example, don't go here. don't give all to a guy. he will take and take and then seriously consider leaving you. if he doesn't it's probably because he's got few other options. i.e. you have money, he doesn't. giving to a selfish man is a dead-end street. you go nowhere, and in the process, you are nearly dead.

a big sign of a selfish guy is how he is in bed. if he's a taker or doesn't care about pleasing you - beware him out of bed. are you satisifed? does he care? if not, you better hop out & consider carefully his place in your life. and don't pretend other people won't find out about selfishness in bed. guys who are selfish in bed can become legendary b/c girls talk. families talk. everyone talks about selfishness.

blaming men

this is the one you will hear that will tip you off before you ever get to the bedroom. emotionally immature men will accept no (or limited) responsibility for their actions. she, he, you, it, they were always at fault. don't pretend this will change either. this is never your problem. blamers deflect responsibility, twist reality and downright lie to get all their objectives met.

smear your reputation in the dust? no worries. all in the game of an emotionally immature guy.

why? his mother never disciplined him. so he never learned to accept responsibility.

the problem for us as women is that men believe other men. don't believe they don't. so when a guy blames you for not putting out, what do guys hear? she's frigid. you should have left her! what is the truth? he's bad in bed & selfish.

outside of the bedroom you will also be blamed & men will believe HIM. so watch out if you hear a guy blaming anyone else or refusing to accept responsibility for his actions. you will ultimately be the target if you are with this guy, and the entire male world will side with him. if not legally, because you have proof of his misbehavior, at least socially.

career hoppers

want to see how stable a guy is? watch his career. if he can't hold a job, run. that is, unless you don't mind making all the money & then watching him try to take it. this is not to say there aren't great guys out there with weak careers. i know some & they are fantastic family men.

but on the average, if a guy has problems on the job - every job - and blames other people for this, it stems from his underlying issues. you can't fix this, you can only go along for the ride. which may get expensive, tedious, and detrimental to your own sanity as you move from place to place to further his elusive career.

what you should do

these characteristics reflect the embodiment of an emotionally immature man. don't let him grow up on you. better yet, don't let him grow on you, up, down or sideways. when you see signs that he is selfish, run.

if you think you can train these guys in, don't even go there. selfishness is not a removable trait, except by the person who wants to remove it. there is no chance of doing anything with these guys - or boyz - because they are stunted in their emotional growth and their view of the world, and women, is slanted. if they don't outright hate women, they are either angry at them or treat them badly. this form of emotional immaturity is not being young, it is stunted growth. your love & time will not fix this. if they aren't jolted out of it by some tragedy in life, they will remain this way.

emotionally immature or just not grown up yet?

of course, there are exceptions to every rule. because of my experience, i tend to like younger men that are less emotionally developed. does this mean they are going to turn out to be jerks? not necessarily. which i think is the point of asking for this post. how do you tell?

i think if you get a few of the above signs together, it's time to set some boundaries. it doesn't mean you have to run, but when you see road signs that say "warning: selfishness ahead" put on the brakes. set some boundaries & see what happens.

it takes a while to get to know people. even after the bad weekend i had with mr. ny, my friends said, give it time. you'll see more of what he's like as you get to know him better.

so i guess time is of the essence in this dilemma. over time, is he getting increasingly selfish or less so? b/c if he's falling for you & he's a good guy, it should become less so. if he doesn't become more unselfish and giving, that's the time to go in reverse & back out of the situation.

to sum it all up here's all you need to remember when dealing with emotionally immature guys:

eyes wide open.