it's about time, o christian, it's about time
finally some good-hearted women are writing good books about being married that are doing wonders for my psyche. they're turning on the lights in the closet and exposing just what it feels like to be married, how much of a shock it is for women, how they handle the very real fear and probability of "losing oneself" in marriage etc etc.
i think this disconnect that all single women face, from the minute they are aware of what marriage is, has been a very real factor for why i'm still single. i remember planning my wedding in elementary school to my then-boyfriend who i never kissed. my bridesmaids had checked gingham dresses and hats. you can imagine what year that was. i've never done it since. the closest i've gotten is wondering how simply i could have the dress look and wondering just how wierd and shy i would feel on my wedding day. like i'm an imposter jumping into some fairytale who shouldn't be there. because i know it's all a fairy-tale. no one can give up their life and merge with another person (my worst nightmare) without having it all go awry. but that wasn't always my nightmare. my nightmare used to be being alone. now that i've done it long enough to see through the fairy-tale and have boyfriends leave me because of my urge-to-merge, i know how damaging that habit can be. somehow there is a middle ground where you keep yourself and still connect. although personally, i've never found it.
anyhow back to the fairy-tale. no intelligent woman can honestly believe it (who doesn't live in some serious denial). all you have to do is look at the statistics and the stunned look on some of your married friends faces and the forced-happy look on others' to tell it's all bs.
getting and being married is plain hard work and only now are women breaking their code of silence and speaking up about how it actually all works & how to survive it and even...make it wonderful.
god bless them. now maybe i can move toward getting married in an intelligent AND blissful fashion.
now what i have to figure out is, not should i MARRY this guy? but even harder, should i marry THIS guy. somebody please write a book for that.
August 28, 2004
August 22, 2004
i think i can't, i think i can't
deep within the heart of some divorcees kids, there lurks this nagging fear that we won't be able to stay married. so why try? it's like going on the roller coaster ride without a seatbelt; knowing you're more likely than not to be thrown from the moving train to your death. and if you have kids, taking them with you. voluntarily. why would anyone sign up for that?
yet you know there's that other very happy small percentage that just get marriage right and somehow you wonder: could you beat the odds?
in the midst of that questioning, you keep dating people who are like your parent. who left.
and some pretty wonderful men love you and you keep walking away.
so you read and read and try to figure out what the magic formula is that you need to know, that you are willing to bet the odds on. or that thing that you do that you can learn to stop doing to keep you from running again. or advice on fixing whatever it is that makes you not get along with the "right" people. but every book says something different. and it ends up right back where it began:
all about you.
deep within the heart of some divorcees kids, there lurks this nagging fear that we won't be able to stay married. so why try? it's like going on the roller coaster ride without a seatbelt; knowing you're more likely than not to be thrown from the moving train to your death. and if you have kids, taking them with you. voluntarily. why would anyone sign up for that?
yet you know there's that other very happy small percentage that just get marriage right and somehow you wonder: could you beat the odds?
in the midst of that questioning, you keep dating people who are like your parent. who left.
and some pretty wonderful men love you and you keep walking away.
so you read and read and try to figure out what the magic formula is that you need to know, that you are willing to bet the odds on. or that thing that you do that you can learn to stop doing to keep you from running again. or advice on fixing whatever it is that makes you not get along with the "right" people. but every book says something different. and it ends up right back where it began:
all about you.
August 17, 2004
rockabye baby in the treetop...when he rolls over the cradle will rock
sleeping alone. i love it. since i'm a bad sleeper (people with FMS usually are) i have various and sundry ways to make me sleep better. and all of them would involve waking someone else up.
i must admit one of the perks of being single is sleeping alone. upside down & backwards; turning this way and that (that is usually better; though one time during a storm, this was); throwing pillows around willy-nilly (willy-nilly doesn't mind if you throw pillows around him. he just doesn't like them thrown at him.)
so if i get married, that means i have to learn to sleep with someone else. how am i gonna do that? 35 years of sleeping alone & then whoop, there it is.
there's just gonna have to be some rules that's all. here's my trial run:
1. he cannot snore. ever. i can snore a little if i don't notice.
2. the room cannot be too cold or too hot or too stuffy or too windy or anything like that. it must be only one of anything.
3. he must be cuddly, warm & huggable -- all through the night.
4. he must
hmmm...what did i say up there about rocking the cradle? i think my little list is running amok. heading in a different direction. leading me on. i think i'll take a short commercial break while...yeah, i'll BRB!
sleeping alone. i love it. since i'm a bad sleeper (people with FMS usually are) i have various and sundry ways to make me sleep better. and all of them would involve waking someone else up.
i must admit one of the perks of being single is sleeping alone. upside down & backwards; turning this way and that (that is usually better; though one time during a storm, this was); throwing pillows around willy-nilly (willy-nilly doesn't mind if you throw pillows around him. he just doesn't like them thrown at him.)
so if i get married, that means i have to learn to sleep with someone else. how am i gonna do that? 35 years of sleeping alone & then whoop, there it is.
there's just gonna have to be some rules that's all. here's my trial run:
1. he cannot snore. ever. i can snore a little if i don't notice.
2. the room cannot be too cold or too hot or too stuffy or too windy or anything like that. it must be only one of anything.
3. he must be cuddly, warm & huggable -- all through the night.
4. he must
hmmm...what did i say up there about rocking the cradle? i think my little list is running amok. heading in a different direction. leading me on. i think i'll take a short commercial break while...yeah, i'll BRB!
August 12, 2004
long time no see
well, i haven't written anything substantial for a while. but the words are still flowing...they've just been running around my head lately instead of landing themselves on a page.
it's hard to know how to choose when you have PART of a choice and not the whole thing. and even if you do, how do you know what guy is best for you? do you pick the one that makes you feel all hot & bothered, even if it is hot under the collar a good share of the time? or do you pick the stable one that doesn't really ruffle your feathers much at all, but is just a good guy.
for women? the eternal dilemma. right up there with do i pick mr. workaholic or mr. available?
where oh where are the "normal" guys? oh where oh where can they be? all the ones that work but still make time for you, oh where oh where can they be?
well, i haven't written anything substantial for a while. but the words are still flowing...they've just been running around my head lately instead of landing themselves on a page.
it's hard to know how to choose when you have PART of a choice and not the whole thing. and even if you do, how do you know what guy is best for you? do you pick the one that makes you feel all hot & bothered, even if it is hot under the collar a good share of the time? or do you pick the stable one that doesn't really ruffle your feathers much at all, but is just a good guy.
for women? the eternal dilemma. right up there with do i pick mr. workaholic or mr. available?
where oh where are the "normal" guys? oh where oh where can they be? all the ones that work but still make time for you, oh where oh where can they be?
August 05, 2004
been around the world & iyiyi...
well, my plans are changing for travel this summer. instead of going to china (which i turned down in spite of buying a new violin), i will be going on a cruise through the mediterranean. mmmmm. bring on those men.
speaking of men. i've been in a quandary lately. will not obsess about it for all my devoted readership to endure, however, suffice it to say, i have a decision to make. since i am spectacularly unqualified to make important decisions of the heart by myself (behold my past track record in support of above musings) i am seeking expert advice on this most important question. i will let you know the outcome ... aka how much longer i can expect this site to be appropriately named!
the only reason i am depriving you of the details is because other than the fact that you are on a need to know basis, ;), there are extenuating factors which prohibit me from being open and honest lest it be to my detriment.
well, my plans are changing for travel this summer. instead of going to china (which i turned down in spite of buying a new violin), i will be going on a cruise through the mediterranean. mmmmm. bring on those men.
speaking of men. i've been in a quandary lately. will not obsess about it for all my devoted readership to endure, however, suffice it to say, i have a decision to make. since i am spectacularly unqualified to make important decisions of the heart by myself (behold my past track record in support of above musings) i am seeking expert advice on this most important question. i will let you know the outcome ... aka how much longer i can expect this site to be appropriately named!
the only reason i am depriving you of the details is because other than the fact that you are on a need to know basis, ;), there are extenuating factors which prohibit me from being open and honest lest it be to my detriment.
July 17, 2004
a few good men
a few years ago or even months ago, if you'd asked me what good men i knew, i'd be hard pressed to tell you one or more. but now, god has been good, and there are quite a few good men in my life. those of you who know me know how important good men are to me. when one has been in want of a good man (one who takes care of their family, namely) one tends to not ever see goodness, even if it is there.
in honor of these men, here they are:
my ex boss
one of my current bosses
another of my former managers
an ex and friend
a coworker
my chiropractor
these men not only take good care of their families, and are respected at work, they also have been great friends to me and know me, sometimes at my worst. not to mention been supportive of me and pushed me towards improvement in my professional, interpersonal & health management areas of my life. hats off to them for managing to show me good men do exist.
a few years ago or even months ago, if you'd asked me what good men i knew, i'd be hard pressed to tell you one or more. but now, god has been good, and there are quite a few good men in my life. those of you who know me know how important good men are to me. when one has been in want of a good man (one who takes care of their family, namely) one tends to not ever see goodness, even if it is there.
in honor of these men, here they are:
my ex boss
one of my current bosses
another of my former managers
an ex and friend
a coworker
my chiropractor
these men not only take good care of their families, and are respected at work, they also have been great friends to me and know me, sometimes at my worst. not to mention been supportive of me and pushed me towards improvement in my professional, interpersonal & health management areas of my life. hats off to them for managing to show me good men do exist.
July 10, 2004
me, the happy, relaxed, energetic, loving and adventurous wife of the future
i'm reading the book "marraige shock." and to my surprise, i am smarter than i thought. it is because of the premises outlined in this book that i am still single: because of the known and repeated subjugation of women by marriage, the requirement that they lose themselves in taking care of others who don't return the favor or which they are not supposed to accept if it is returned. this selflessness i will have no part of. yet society demands it as part of the "good wife" syndrome.
the author asks what marriage would be like if it were a wife's marriage. here is my first stab ever at this idea:
1. we would have a standing contract with several great chefs for discount orders and takeout would be delivered whenever we have guests, holidays and generally when nobody feels like cooking.
2. the husband would make one hot meal a day for the family and do the dishes afterwards. he would continue doing this until he realizes why #1 is in effect, at which point the family happily lives on gourmet takeout, freeing them all from the drudgery of the kitchen. (drudgery being defined in this case as cooking for people when you don't feel like it.)
3. children would be brought up learning how to make food for themselves and would be required to meet their own needs when they can do so.
4. the time now that the wife has since she has been freed from the kitchen will neither be spent in cleaning. as dust is a recurring factor and doing the same thing over and over again will eat her life away, she also contracts out for cleaning services. so now the family is both clean and well fed and the wife still has time to do...
5. what? what will she do now that she neither spends her life cleaning nor in the kitchen? she will do what her husband and children do: pursue self-actualization and take care of the misc. tasks that arise on a non-repetitive basis as the rest of her family does.
imagine the freedom from drudgery for a wife. the ability to arrive home from work, as i will do, and plop my feet up on the couch for 1/2 hour and watch tv to unwind. oh look at that. just like a man does. the ability to take care of my own needs first so i am happy and relaxed and able to meet the needs of my family. the ability to accept love as my husband and children do not act like infants (unless they are) and expect to be spoon fed.
6. oh i forgot the washing. since i hate sending clothes out, the washing can be rotated amongst family members. or each man for himself. there is no need to waste a wife's education, expertise, energy for love and happiness on a pile of cotton and soap suds. living breathing human beings are far better recipients of this energy.
ah now to find a man whose fantasy includes a living, breathing, happy, relaxed, energetic woman -- not one who is half-dead from doing things for her family that after they are 5, they can do for themselves.
did i mention how much energy i'll have for sex now that we all have my priorities straight? hmmmm. i don't think so...
i'm reading the book "marraige shock." and to my surprise, i am smarter than i thought. it is because of the premises outlined in this book that i am still single: because of the known and repeated subjugation of women by marriage, the requirement that they lose themselves in taking care of others who don't return the favor or which they are not supposed to accept if it is returned. this selflessness i will have no part of. yet society demands it as part of the "good wife" syndrome.
the author asks what marriage would be like if it were a wife's marriage. here is my first stab ever at this idea:
1. we would have a standing contract with several great chefs for discount orders and takeout would be delivered whenever we have guests, holidays and generally when nobody feels like cooking.
2. the husband would make one hot meal a day for the family and do the dishes afterwards. he would continue doing this until he realizes why #1 is in effect, at which point the family happily lives on gourmet takeout, freeing them all from the drudgery of the kitchen. (drudgery being defined in this case as cooking for people when you don't feel like it.)
3. children would be brought up learning how to make food for themselves and would be required to meet their own needs when they can do so.
4. the time now that the wife has since she has been freed from the kitchen will neither be spent in cleaning. as dust is a recurring factor and doing the same thing over and over again will eat her life away, she also contracts out for cleaning services. so now the family is both clean and well fed and the wife still has time to do...
5. what? what will she do now that she neither spends her life cleaning nor in the kitchen? she will do what her husband and children do: pursue self-actualization and take care of the misc. tasks that arise on a non-repetitive basis as the rest of her family does.
imagine the freedom from drudgery for a wife. the ability to arrive home from work, as i will do, and plop my feet up on the couch for 1/2 hour and watch tv to unwind. oh look at that. just like a man does. the ability to take care of my own needs first so i am happy and relaxed and able to meet the needs of my family. the ability to accept love as my husband and children do not act like infants (unless they are) and expect to be spoon fed.
6. oh i forgot the washing. since i hate sending clothes out, the washing can be rotated amongst family members. or each man for himself. there is no need to waste a wife's education, expertise, energy for love and happiness on a pile of cotton and soap suds. living breathing human beings are far better recipients of this energy.
ah now to find a man whose fantasy includes a living, breathing, happy, relaxed, energetic woman -- not one who is half-dead from doing things for her family that after they are 5, they can do for themselves.
did i mention how much energy i'll have for sex now that we all have my priorities straight? hmmmm. i don't think so...
July 09, 2004
June 15, 2004
a sense of mystery
i wish i could tell you what i'm doing this summer. but i can't. a woman has to have a sense of mystery about her, and it would ruin all the fun if everyone knew what i was doing. although it would be fun to write about it. suffice it to say, i will be having a very fun summer.
the one thing that i will say is that i'm going to china for 10 days on a concert tour. not featuring me per se, but i will be part of the entourage and performing again. on said tour might be one of my exes, a fact which does not greatly displease me as i don't want to date him again, nor which does please me either as i just don't want to be bothered having him either interact with me or not interact with me. neither of which will be pleasant. him having broken up with me makes it better. one can always play the victim, whether one feels like it or not and it is better than feeling guilty. which he feels none of i'm sure, nor should he. the only thing wrong with the breakup was the way it was done, not the fact that it was done. however since i was his first gfriend, one can't fault him all that bad for it. the only thing he should have known...you don't break up with a girl & then expect to spend the night on her couch as usual. said girl should have thrown his a** out on the street, but sometimes having a heart is just stupid, but it happens. occasionally in me i'm told. the only important thing about him going is that i don't want to get back together again & so it shouldn't bother me. ha. watch this one unfold with more drama than i think. he is currently dating someone who is quite beautiful (good taste he has) but as i hear from one of her exes, not especially well-endowed in the gray matter area.
speaking of which, we weren't, did you know that men prefer women with big busts to during a bust economy, and women with small ones during a boom? the fun things you learn from the india times.
along another line, a rant, of which source i will not ID. one remembers at times that attractiveness is a double-edged sword. it cuts all ways. perhaps it's better though for attractive people to be bitchy. i sure am. i mean if people were both good looking AND nice, what would happen in the world. one has to fend off all the hangers on that will diminish, wear down or distract from one's beauty.
so i'm off with my new pedicure and tanned & worked out self to a busy summer of mysterious happenings of which i'm sure you'll hear obliquely because of course, i like to write about dating affairs whether or not i'm supposed to, given the readership of this happy blog. ;)
i wish i could tell you what i'm doing this summer. but i can't. a woman has to have a sense of mystery about her, and it would ruin all the fun if everyone knew what i was doing. although it would be fun to write about it. suffice it to say, i will be having a very fun summer.
the one thing that i will say is that i'm going to china for 10 days on a concert tour. not featuring me per se, but i will be part of the entourage and performing again. on said tour might be one of my exes, a fact which does not greatly displease me as i don't want to date him again, nor which does please me either as i just don't want to be bothered having him either interact with me or not interact with me. neither of which will be pleasant. him having broken up with me makes it better. one can always play the victim, whether one feels like it or not and it is better than feeling guilty. which he feels none of i'm sure, nor should he. the only thing wrong with the breakup was the way it was done, not the fact that it was done. however since i was his first gfriend, one can't fault him all that bad for it. the only thing he should have known...you don't break up with a girl & then expect to spend the night on her couch as usual. said girl should have thrown his a** out on the street, but sometimes having a heart is just stupid, but it happens. occasionally in me i'm told. the only important thing about him going is that i don't want to get back together again & so it shouldn't bother me. ha. watch this one unfold with more drama than i think. he is currently dating someone who is quite beautiful (good taste he has) but as i hear from one of her exes, not especially well-endowed in the gray matter area.
speaking of which, we weren't, did you know that men prefer women with big busts to during a bust economy, and women with small ones during a boom? the fun things you learn from the india times.
along another line, a rant, of which source i will not ID. one remembers at times that attractiveness is a double-edged sword. it cuts all ways. perhaps it's better though for attractive people to be bitchy. i sure am. i mean if people were both good looking AND nice, what would happen in the world. one has to fend off all the hangers on that will diminish, wear down or distract from one's beauty.
so i'm off with my new pedicure and tanned & worked out self to a busy summer of mysterious happenings of which i'm sure you'll hear obliquely because of course, i like to write about dating affairs whether or not i'm supposed to, given the readership of this happy blog. ;)
June 10, 2004
just call me stupid
this boy don't got NO clue. i mean none. i thought he was just dumb but listen to this. this guy makes me want to keep online dating just as fodder for my blog.
k, remember "i'll take you to a great restaurant, buy you a drink, (one, cuz i have to get back to work at 7 p.m. and i'm wicked cheap) and then call you on your cell 5 minutes later to invite you to my place for chinese takeout?"
well, i thought this guy was just dumb. cuz he looked pretty cute & innocent. turns out he's devious also. badly. obviously. i almost feel sorry for his ass.
i of course, seeking to educate him as to the world of womanhood, write back later saying it is neither safe nor smart to go to a stranger's house on the first date. somewhere along the line he got confused. which seemed only to worsen.
in his last e-mail he assumed that because i didn't want to go to his house the first time i met him, i am not looking for a relationship. would i be interested in a occasional physical friendship, in which case he would be happy to help get me into my own place.
i should write back and say, sure, i'll be your hoe...!
this boy don't got NO clue. i mean none. i thought he was just dumb but listen to this. this guy makes me want to keep online dating just as fodder for my blog.
k, remember "i'll take you to a great restaurant, buy you a drink, (one, cuz i have to get back to work at 7 p.m. and i'm wicked cheap) and then call you on your cell 5 minutes later to invite you to my place for chinese takeout?"
well, i thought this guy was just dumb. cuz he looked pretty cute & innocent. turns out he's devious also. badly. obviously. i almost feel sorry for his ass.
i of course, seeking to educate him as to the world of womanhood, write back later saying it is neither safe nor smart to go to a stranger's house on the first date. somewhere along the line he got confused. which seemed only to worsen.
in his last e-mail he assumed that because i didn't want to go to his house the first time i met him, i am not looking for a relationship. would i be interested in a occasional physical friendship, in which case he would be happy to help get me into my own place.
i should write back and say, sure, i'll be your hoe...!
June 02, 2004
let's get together, yeah yeah yeah
last night i had my last yahoo! personals date for a while. this guy was really cute, looked just like his pictures and was a great conversationalist. he also seemed to think, as per his words, that i have the body of a model, have beautiful hair and fair skin, which is very feminine and must look beautiful when i play the violin. all in all, in comparison with the last guy who was so disappointed with me, it felt good to be better than i was on the screen. which of course i am.
he seemed bright, articulate, like a gentleman and generally a sweet guy. talked a lot and asked a lot of questions, but then he's an analyst so what do you expect. i had a really nice time, though my head was spinning from all the data exchange.
at 7 p.m. he left to go back to work. after i left, i called my friend jack to get an update on his recent job interview. i got a call when i was on the phone & figured it was another friend i was trying to get in touch with. when i checked my vm it was a call from mr. analyst. he wanted me to meet him at his work & then we could go to his house for chinese takeout and a movie.
uh-huh...
last night i had my last yahoo! personals date for a while. this guy was really cute, looked just like his pictures and was a great conversationalist. he also seemed to think, as per his words, that i have the body of a model, have beautiful hair and fair skin, which is very feminine and must look beautiful when i play the violin. all in all, in comparison with the last guy who was so disappointed with me, it felt good to be better than i was on the screen. which of course i am.
he seemed bright, articulate, like a gentleman and generally a sweet guy. talked a lot and asked a lot of questions, but then he's an analyst so what do you expect. i had a really nice time, though my head was spinning from all the data exchange.
at 7 p.m. he left to go back to work. after i left, i called my friend jack to get an update on his recent job interview. i got a call when i was on the phone & figured it was another friend i was trying to get in touch with. when i checked my vm it was a call from mr. analyst. he wanted me to meet him at his work & then we could go to his house for chinese takeout and a movie.
uh-huh...