the horror

ok, well, in this case, it's the fear, but i like that quote from the former pets.com sock puppet. you didn't know this but i used to run his online fan club. yes i did. for years. people loved the sock.

anyway.

so i wrote my cap last night asking what his weekend was looking like & haven't heard back yet. that's an eternity in my head, a second in his. (from last night until now.) this is the part where it's hard to keep my self-confidence up. this is hte problem we ran into when we were dating.

i wanted to see him. he wanted to be at the funnest place possible. which meant with all his friends. out.

hence the reason we stopped dating.

i was ok with this, well, until i start getting addicted or attached to him. he doesn't have this happen regarding me so it's all one-sided. & here i am wondering when i'll see him again.

i don't like this part of the open relationship thing. i don't like the not knowing. but it is also the most attractive part of the relationship to. the not knowing. it makes things interesting. keeps things interesting.

that hardest part of relating to a guy is keeping up your confidence. alison armstrong writes about this & it's so true. when men & women date, it's not the guy that changes (the most) it's the woman. we get clingy, why don't you love me, why don't you call me. the girl the guy THOUGHT he was bringing home was a bubbly confident f*you type who didn't need him to choose every adverb for her, & now there she is bawling on the floor because he watches a little round ball being thrown around too long & doesn't love her anymore.

sigh.

well, i have stuff going on. mr. 5-years ago is going to stop by today. tonite i could do 2 or 3 different things, including meet up with the bachlorette b*, but i dunno. i might just chill at home. we'll see...gotta be a vin diesel movie out there i haven't seen yet.

i went to a meet & mix thing last night & met a new guy. he's a software engineer, seems sweet. but every sad. i'm not sure just cuz it was laid off. i don't think i can deal with sad guys.

one thing about my cap is that he might not be around all that much but he doesn't have a current of anger or sadness running through his veins that depresses me. i have too much sadness of my own to want any more...

waves back to princess b!

it's not supposed to be this way!

i seem to live outside the realm of normality.

i'm currently very happy with a non-traditional is-it-a-relationship? & it's all wrong. it's just not right.

but i'm super happy.

last night i hung out with mr. busy, who i'm going to now start calling my cap. as in capricorn. i don't wear him on my head.

and i am super happy today. did i say that already? he has that effect on me. always has, but it's getting worse. or better.

thing is, we didn't do anything! we drove around trying to find a place to eat, finally had some eh food & watched the red sox. then went back to my place & laid on the couch & i fell asleep while he watched tv.

that was it.

it.

nothing else.

& i'm happy as a clam.

what is it about this guy? i woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & went, wow, you're like super happy. so i wrote to him, saying how happy i was. what was he doing, drugging me? whatever it was, keep it up. lol.

so on the way to work i grab why men love bi*ches & read it. nothing applies. i mean about him. we don't have a relationship. i don't think we're headed there. he's happiest when he's off when other people on weekends & i'm not doing so bad myself seeing other people too.

but he makes me the happiest of anyone in my life & i think anyone i've ever dated. & we do nothing!

in fact, we don't even really have any meaningful conversation. it's just hang out & relax & chill.

i'm so fricken confused.

but happy.

go figure.

mr. busy

i've been seeing mr. busy (my cap) again. along with mr. 5-years-ago. in fact on sunday night i saw them both.

i kissed 2 boys & i liked it.

actually, i more like attacked mr. busy. which he was super happy about. thanks for the "dinner," said i. no, thank YOU. said he.

mr. busy is busy living up to his moniker. i asked him if he wanted to do dinner the other night (for real). he was busy getting ready he said. i texted, you around this weekend? thinking what is he getting ready for? sure enough he sends me back an e-mail today with a list of all the people he is meeting & things he is doing so that he won't have time until mid-next week to see me.

hence mr. busy.

in an interestingly-insightful move, i realize this is why i like mr. busy so much. he likes people. rather, he loves people.

on our first date i asked him to tell me about himself. first words out of his mouth - i really like people.

so tonite i write him back that i remember this, and that is one of the coolest things about him. i'm sure he'll be jaw-droppingly-shocked, as before when we dated i was whiney about why don't you want to see me. his little litany of appointments is his way of telling me it's not that i don't want to see you...(i do tend sometimes to regress to the comment about being last on his agenda, which he denies.) since we're not dating & he has no reason to need to explain his whereabouts to me, he is telling me to make sure i really know i'm not last - he isn't blowing me off.

i look forward to seeing you again when you have time, says i.

i wonder what he will do when i tell him how much i like it that he likes other people.

the coolest thing about people that don't blow off people to see you, is that they don't blow you off either. mr. busy has never once let me down when he said he'd meet up. he could also be called mr. dependable, which is one reason, in spite of all the things that we don't have in common (as he rightly pointed out last time we dated), i keep coming back to try to get on his agenda. well, that & his "dinners." ;)

i'm noticing lately too that mr. busy doesn't want to leave when he comes over. & offers me to stay long when i visit him. which i refuse, being tired & all, but especially knowing that hanging around too long was one thing that made our previous relationship lose steam. but regardless, i am curious about this new little event. two times doesn't make a trend (knows i, from my job) yet - changes in behavior do show something. different.

so anyhow, to point out the obvious moral of the story: similar to when i never heard from the jerk the day after he said all his dates had been "what was her name again?" when people tell you things about themselves: LISTEN.

people don't change

about a year after not seeing the bachelorette bi*ch (remember how she didn't want me in her wedding? and my friend/turned her friend not to go?) i decided to text & say hello. in the spirit of reconciliation, which seems to be permeating my life. since she has been looking at my myspace page nearly every week it seems during this time (yea trackers) it seemed like she might want to work something out.

so i do. and eventually, after a few weeks of texts, we talk. last night she called. (i guess mr. busy called her & they prob talked about me, since i told her i'm seeing him again.)(i met him through her.)

and i remembered why we aren't friends. it didn't take her long to call one of my friends wierd - actually the one that i just met up with in vegas, from la. and to question if my friend/turned her friend really had a baby with that same guy, and yes it's still a complicated situation, relationship-wise. but everyone knows everything & they are all ok with it so whatever.

this morning i wrote her, that to follow up on her comments in the broadest sense, yes, me and my friends were still wierd. but we were very happy. with our wierdness. smiley. she wrote back i don't know what you're talking about. so i mentioned the part about mr. la. it was about him not meeting up with me when he said. i deserve better than that, she responds smiley.

i respond, oh you mean the time one of his (small plane) engines died & he almost crashed & couldn't make it? yes, we're still friends. in fact this time my compulsively-lying co-worker really screwed him over after he lost his wallet, after he came over from LA to show us a good time. poor guy.

b*.

sigh.

oh, so she did tell me about her wedding. 3 sentences. oh, we got married on the beach. it went well. married life is about the same as before.

to which i roll my eyes, remembering how she wanted to hook up with mr. NY. the night of her bachelorette party. who told me that himself, he knew it. and i hear her tell me that this guy she met on the islands & went to see when she was still single is now married & has been calling her ever since wanting to meet up.

so anyhow, in spite of her married bliss, i think, well, if this is the extent of the explanation about why i wasn't in her wedding, we just weren't gonna be able to work anything out.

i had lunch today with my former hip-hop teacher & a friend that did my hip-hop showcase with me. that was a blast. i told them about ms. bi*ch & they both said you know, you should kill her with kindness. she is so unhappy. just be like, oh that's awesome! i'm so happy for you...blah blah blah.

yes. some people don't change.

but clearly, we hip-hop girls do - so mature and wise. whatever happened to us. i guess all the bitchy got hopped out of us.

whatever happened, i'm lovin' it.

the d word

i don't even know where to start. the drama.

well, i guess the most relevant thing is that mr. ny moved here & then immediately started dating a girl from NY who is moving here soon. so he is out of the picture. i find this out after more than a month of him not meeting up with me. clearly he wants to keep me around in case she doesn't work out. this should be interesting.

i really don't know what i think about him anymore. my friends tell me he is toxic & all i do is complain about him, but he has filled a spot in my life & i really liked him. when he is nice. surprisingly, i cried for a while when he told me this. i guess i liked him more than i thought.

that's the biggest new thing in terms of guys that shook my world.

in other news, my aunt had a surgery & 2 strokes & then died, my mom had surgery, i went to las vegas with a treacherous co-worker who made mega-fights between me & mr. la, my long-time lawyer friend. we have got that straightened out but only after much emotional expense.

i'm so emotionally exhausted i really can't even recount it. but that is what's going on. when i have more energy to analyze things more, i will be back.

of course in a reactionary move i asked mr. (gee i forget what i call these guys) busy what was wrong with me that guys didn't want to date me, only screw around. he wisely didn't respond to any of those questions. & i said i probably shouldn't see him again either so i didn't lose him too, then i changed my mind. we'll see if he ever responds again, lol. he wisely just disappears when i turn too radical, which means there is never any drama with him.

oh, and the former co-worker who showed up to apologize then abruptly told me he was done with me??? and then changed his mind saying he didn't mean it. a couple kisses later he really didn't mean it, but i couldn't let it go so i backtracked it to friends letting him know that was an ass thing to say & i couldn't ignore it.

why i even try to be friends with these guys i don't know. what is there in me that can't let go?

my new resolution is to stop contacting them all & see who comes back.

right. i will try that now. good luck me...

spring cleaning

i am taking a few guys out of my phone.

again.

mr. busy, gone.
mr. ny (now moved here), gone. along with an e-mail that he hurt my feelings by not wanting to meet up WTF.
mr. jack is back. gone.

these guys. urgh.

they will never be what i want or can deal with. i am very back & forth with them.

urgh. myself.

i'm done with you

last night i met up with the guy who i dated 5 years ago, who was getting divorced & ultimately left b/c he wasn't ready for a new r-ship.

i met him & was somewhat surprised i guess that he'd gained a little weight. i wasn't blown away, but he is attractive and articulate and i had fun talking with him.

so we talked for about 3 hours, over a couple drinks & a great dinner. then we were talking & the conversation took an interesting turn. he started to talk like nice to see you, hope the best for you, etc. & then at some point he blurted out in his normal but strange way, "i'm done with you."

i was somewhat surprised by the statement b/c hey, who says this. anyhow. i was like, uh, okayyyyy, in an unsure but whatever way. & then he said, "wait, no i'm not done with you."

so he then tried to backtrack.

we got out to the car & he is telling me he is taking it back. this whole statement was right after i got done telling him that people tell you outright what they think & if you just listen, you'll know. so then he says this not 5 minutes later.

so he wants to kiss me goodnight & i do. it's ok, not crazy but nice. somewhat i remember him being before. & says he'll call. so we get in cars.

& i call mr. busy. who is tired from a ski trip & doesn't want to meet up but chats for a while.

anyhow. why am i far more interested in mr. busy. ugh.

but what is really interesting is that - i don't know what to make of this. i don't like to ignore statements like that, b/c at the least, i think they show a certain level of conflict in feelings about me. at the worst, he means it. at the best, it means - well, that he says stupid stuff.

so i'm not sure if i should just try to ignore it or say i think you probably actually meant that.

hmmm.

me=sex

well, i had a fantastic, life-changing experience at the seminar.

finally. to realize men don't just love sex, they love sex with US.

and most important -

i am the origin and source of my sexuality.

wow that is profound. now i don't have to go looking everywhere for it!

hmmm. will ponder these things & think upon them...while slowly undressing...

men & sex

well, i'm off this weekend to another conference by alison armstrong on men & sex. being from a family where historically this is a BIG problem, i hope it will cure me & i will have great sex forever more. ok, or at least think differently about men & sex. ;)

luckily i have some folks to practice what i learn on. the hard part, as a woman, as you know, is 1) finding a guy that cares what you want, 2) is good enough for you to care that he cares, and then 3) learning to tell him. getting this trifecta together is a shocking occurrence. then getting it together in a package as nice as the jerk was before he became the jerk, yeah, doesn't happen. you can't have it all.

either you have

- great sex with a hot guy & no relationship or

- a relationship with a not hot guy with great sex

- or a hot guy with a relationship & no sex.

does it ever all line up? hmmm...

post-doc

well, i'm back in the swing of things again.

this weekend i finally realized i have friends. this is - because i am doing favors for them & going to listen to them talk when they are upset. you don't do these things when you have no friends. i know this from the fact that i am telling you about it. so it's cool. i finally have a network. in real life, not just online.

online i continue to communicate with folks as well. and that is very healing to my wounded spirit. i get a lot of support from my friends in far-away places that send close-up hugz. it's nice.

last night i met up with mr. busy again. i really need a new name for him, but such as he is. he's pretty much busy partying & what not but whatever. that's his life. rich-kid syndrome. we met for dinner & um, you know. other fun things that follow dinner. ;) we had so much fun that his roomate came out to see who was making all the noise. i have pretty much realized that mr. busy isn't going anywhere. he is around to stay. that means i don't have to freak out, contact him all the time, wonder what he's doing.

he'll be back.

ah. the relief. this is JUST what i need right now. a solid guy who won't leave. without saying goodbye. or rather, just. won't. leave.

(plus did i say how sexy he is!)

sometimes god works in mysterious ways...