freak therapy

well i guess i should thank the jerk. since i have severe abandonment issues, his leaving me in such a stark manner sure helps me address those head on. i mean really. where else do you get such on-target therapy but from the source?!

it helps to realize he's just like my father, so why would i want that. i mean if a man has no heart, he has no heart & he's not gonna grow one over night. you can kick & scream all you want but a stone doesn't feel it.

fuck it, i do want him. i miss him like hell. he was a good friend, i thought, and i grew accustomed to his face. but then that doesn't really matter.

when i decided mr. cuba was over i didn't bother responding to him either. (well, this was AFTER i told him we wouldn't be dating, goodbye, about 3 times. just for the record. i don't hit & run...) anyhow, i just let him wear himself out with trying. then a few months later when i forgot how annoying he was, i tried again. only to find myself equally annoyed.

oh well. hopefully at least i annoyed the jerk. the best you can hope for when a man has no heart is to annoy his head.

tonite i guess i realized it's over. i can kick & scream all i want, he's not coming back. that's actually the reason i'm doing it. he told me as much, when he said of all his girls, "what was her name again?" mr. chef actually thought the jerk liked me because he told me so much about himself. i mean he told me all this stuff.

it hurt like hell tonite. just pain in my chest. i miss him so much. it wasn't even aching it was damn hurting. this guy really f*d me up in the head. i had no idea he got in so deep until here i am crying. again.

but never never asking for him to come back. hell. i may be pissed but i will never ask for what i really don't want.

it's hard to let go. i am so fricken hurting. i hate loving people so much & getting attached. they run off la la la & here i am with my daddy issues, don't leave me.

f*in fathers. f*in men.

no honor. in any of them.