biting tongue

i am biting my electronic tongue, trying not to write to my cap & just be like, ok, i'm turning 40 on friday, so i don't have any more time to waste. if nothing has changed since our discussion 2 years ago, let's not even have another one b/c i don't enjoy them.

then a million reasons of why i am still single flood into my head & i determine not to be a hatchet girl anymore.

what will happen when i'm 40? will life change? will i still NOT want to hang around him? right. i already don't not want to hang around him. in case your lost, this means I DO. so cutting off my nose to spite my face will, what?

clearly, he brings out a side of me or offers me something no one else does that makes all the hassle worthwhile. just saying i won't waste my time anymore on a going-nowhere relationship indicates that, well, i think i want to be doing something different. i'm not even sure what that is.

do i even want to settle down & date exclusively? i'm not sure. so why set it up so that i am doing that?

urgh. self-control 101.

step away from the keyboard...