i love...

the comment by anonmyous to my previous post. thank you! i do deserve it! it's just so fricken complicated...here's how.

i spent most of yesterday with mr. 5-years ago. he's tall, good-looking, smart, sweet. we spent 9 hours straight together. & i didn't want him to go.

we furminated my kitty, lol, hopped in the car & drive down to faneuil hall, walked around & found a good place to eat down near the courthouse, had a drink & watched the redsox, & then went & had dinner & watched the redsox some more (i did. on my new company-sponsored blackberry.)

he is well-traveled, sweet, accomplished (an architect) and is a good dad to a couple kids.

he kissed me good night & i was ok about it. & i woke up this morning normal.

after he left, i fumed most of the night over my caps delayed text message to me. battery died, forgot to e-mail me back. only to wake up to an e-mail this morning in my gmail. as i pondered the little blue envelope (gmail notifier) when i was opening the e-mail, i thought to self, it would be nice to hear from my cap. but that wouldn't happen.

it did. he was asking if i wanted to do brunch, let him know. i already have brunch plans. part of my new plan-my-weekend life which is doing wonderful things for me. including the need to up my cell-phone plan b/c i went 300 texts over limit, last month.

so my dilemma is this.

mr. 5-years ago who i will now call my architect (who is a very good and successful one, btw) is very sweet. he fills an emotional need for me.

my cap, makes me happy. deep down inside. i have never ever experienced anything like this. my mother has been dating a guy that does the same thing for her. has been, as they insist they can't be together because of their strong religious beliefs. but she met the first guy in her life that makes her super super happy - at 78. i did way before that...

also, i have known my cap for years. and my architect, not for long. i liked my cap from the second i met him, and have never stopped. he has seen me at my worst during both our first AND second rounds of dating, and been sweet to me every moment. he is a good family man, and is rock-solid in terms of dependability. he is super sexy and just - what can i say. he calms me down & fills me up at the same time. emotionally, he fills my soul.

actually there is no dilemma. i should do nothing & keep seeing them both. my architect lives out of town & my cap doesn't. so things can work out perfectly. i don't really think i want to be exclusive right now anyway because i just actually don't think i can have it all & i don't know what to do about that.

so this is the new post-jerk me. not wanting to watch my dreams of having a family & kid, which i might be able to have with my architect, fall down the drain. but knowing that giving up something in life that is fulfilling me (my cap) in favor of of something i don't even have yet or might never have or might not like it if i have it, isn't a good trade off.

happiness is fleeting for me. i didn't grow up a happy person. i was shy. and then after my dad left, i lost my world. so i essentially have felt homeless since i was 14. i've done the "right thing" for so many years that i now tend to do the opposite just to see what will happen. unless there is a moral issue involved.

now i have a sweet guy who is giving me temporary happiness, and one who may offer long-term happiness. i'm actually not inclined to give up either, but if i have to, i'm not sure i could give up someone that i wake up smiling in the morning AFTER i see them. those are the types of guys i'd wish i were having an affair with if i WERE committed.

one of the reasons i am still single is because i firmly believe that if you settle down with someone that is cool, and meet someone who is hot, you will then want to have an affair with mr. hot. that is just what happened to a co-worker of mine, who finally married her ho-hum boyfriend of 5 years or so who she never had anything good to say about, and then met the love of her life 3 months later. she is now getting divorced, a good thing. she told me don't get married. (let me just say about the new guy she met, i had a crush on him also when i first met him. he is just super-awesome, smart, nice, and well, seems like the perfect guy. so when i say hot, i mean, got it ALL going on.)

i can't wait to attend the seminar on men & marraige by understandmen.com. it will help me finally and forever resolve this pressure to take on this commitment that appears to me to be binding and archaic, unless of course, i have many things to gain from it. i see women gaining very little from marraige, and i am not convinved (admits i for the first time ever) that it is for me. kids, yes. kids is the part that is devestating to not have. i think. (breathes in bird-song-filled air on a quiet sunday morning drinking coffee with cat.) certainly i am content with my life and my decisions.

content. my architect.

but happy. my cap.

how important is happy? i gotta tell you, right now, for me, it is everything.

is that so short-sighted?