seeing stuck
it's really something that i can think about dating every day. (well, lately). and keep up a blog, on focus, for five years.
would that be a one-track mind, seeing stuck, obsession, observation, interest, or just plain good writing? maybe a little of each.
being single has become, for me, this condition of interest. like a chronic sickness. what else can you do, that you haven't done before, to try to get over it? or it's like this problem to solve. what's the best way to arrive at the desired results? or it's like this wonderful state of being. gee, it's great to be me, just me, how can i make it better? or it's like this state of wondering. what if i do this, that or the other thing? who will i be? who will i be with?
like the above, a little of each.
mostly i guess it's a quest to find myself.
who am i, outside of society's expectations? or all tangled up in them? or burdened by them?
who do i want to be? who do other people think i should be?
don't kid yourself, everyone has an opinion about other people. that is, if they care. society's expectations are as real as music is. you can't see it, but you can damn feel it. and hear it.
so i'm back today with a small thought for the day that i'll post in another blog. why? because i'm fighting back, dammit.
i'm seeing single & i chose it. therefore, i must learn to love it. or - admit i love it already.
February 06, 2008
February 05, 2008
eensy teensy eeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini
since that's what i want to wear this summer...i started classes at the gym. gonna get a running start on swim-suit season. went to power yoga last week & pilates just now.
might post before & after pix, we'll see. have to take the before pix today, obviously...
my trainer ex used to say he worked out to look good naked.
he did too.
since that's what i want to wear this summer...i started classes at the gym. gonna get a running start on swim-suit season. went to power yoga last week & pilates just now.
might post before & after pix, we'll see. have to take the before pix today, obviously...
my trainer ex used to say he worked out to look good naked.
he did too.
No regrets
still not regretting texting i miss you to my ex. must have been the right thing to do.
my guess is, if he wants to keep in touch, he'll wait a few weeks & then decide that all of a sudden he now has time to hang out.
if he doesn't, at least i don't look bitter & angry.
i felt like that text was a kind of resolution for me last night. like it was the end & i was like, well, it was nice after all. even though he lied, deep down i still think he's a good guy or i doubt i'd miss him after nearly 6 months. i definitely don't miss my cheater ex (who is now engaged, btw, god bless that girl).
still not regretting texting i miss you to my ex. must have been the right thing to do.
my guess is, if he wants to keep in touch, he'll wait a few weeks & then decide that all of a sudden he now has time to hang out.
if he doesn't, at least i don't look bitter & angry.
i felt like that text was a kind of resolution for me last night. like it was the end & i was like, well, it was nice after all. even though he lied, deep down i still think he's a good guy or i doubt i'd miss him after nearly 6 months. i definitely don't miss my cheater ex (who is now engaged, btw, god bless that girl).
February 04, 2008
i miss you
i just texted my most recent ex that i missed him.
i'm bracing myself for the regret that hits after i do something like this.
i'm so tired of detaching from people. it's exhausting.
that's one good thing married people have. they don't have to do that every day.
i was laughing to my friend this morning (who was enjoying the weekend with her husband gone) that we spend our lives trying to get with a mate. then once we do, we spend the rest of the time trying to get away from them.
:) ha.
i just texted my most recent ex that i missed him.
i'm bracing myself for the regret that hits after i do something like this.
i'm so tired of detaching from people. it's exhausting.
that's one good thing married people have. they don't have to do that every day.
i was laughing to my friend this morning (who was enjoying the weekend with her husband gone) that we spend our lives trying to get with a mate. then once we do, we spend the rest of the time trying to get away from them.
:) ha.
preserving my dating freedom
ok, that's a stretch.
but i'm supposed to vote in the primaries tomorrow (says me) and no frickn' clue who to vote for.
just in case anyone else is facing super tuesday unprepared, here's some help.
this is not because i'm unprepared (well, not ONLY b/c of that) but because we have a wealth of 3 candidates i, being independent, could vote for.
http://www.ontheissues.org/Hillary_Clinton.htm
i really like her stand on abortion, to bring it closer to my blog theme...
ok, that's a stretch.
but i'm supposed to vote in the primaries tomorrow (says me) and no frickn' clue who to vote for.
just in case anyone else is facing super tuesday unprepared, here's some help.
this is not because i'm unprepared (well, not ONLY b/c of that) but because we have a wealth of 3 candidates i, being independent, could vote for.
http://www.ontheissues.org/Hillary_Clinton.htm
i really like her stand on abortion, to bring it closer to my blog theme...
February 03, 2008
size matters
this blog is not for children.
so last night i was telling my friend that the guy who was going to come over this week - didn't. he made some excuse. i'm not terribly surprised, i was half expecting it. but my house is nice & clean now, so i'm pretty happy he lead me on.
i said "he just doesn't like se*!" my friend succinctly said, does he have a small di**? i was like, yup. he does. there was a mutual ahhhhhhh.
so there you have it. or don't.
this blog is not for children.
so last night i was telling my friend that the guy who was going to come over this week - didn't. he made some excuse. i'm not terribly surprised, i was half expecting it. but my house is nice & clean now, so i'm pretty happy he lead me on.
i said "he just doesn't like se*!" my friend succinctly said, does he have a small di**? i was like, yup. he does. there was a mutual ahhhhhhh.
so there you have it. or don't.
calling china
on a domestic note, check out this blog on the stationery organizers. i've been contemplating buying these for my drawers like 10 times. fish needs a biycle bit the bullet - and is in domestic bliss.
me, i'm too cheap. i'm waiting for them to go down to $5. and to come in that perfect pattern that matches my house. china, get with the program!
on a domestic note, check out this blog on the stationery organizers. i've been contemplating buying these for my drawers like 10 times. fish needs a biycle bit the bullet - and is in domestic bliss.
me, i'm too cheap. i'm waiting for them to go down to $5. and to come in that perfect pattern that matches my house. china, get with the program!
i am the dancing queen
i had an odd night. i was supposed to meet up with my friends to go to this benefit band thing & then when i didn't hear back for sure in time to make it, i decided not to go out. i got all bent out of shape & went through one of my longtime "nobody loves me" episodes which just isn't pretty. or fun. i cried all of my makeup off & took all my clothes off. i didn't throw them out the window though.
then my friend called back to confirm meeting up at another place & i found out the benefit had cost $20 so they weren't really encouraging people to go for only one hour for that. so everyone was meeting up at the next place. so i put my makeup back on & clothes back on (sorry guys) & went.
and had a blast.
i've learned to try to control those "nobody loves me" episodes because invariably if i let anyone know about them or do something dumb like act weak & whiny it's just a PITA. cuz i recover immediately and have a great time. so i've learned to reserve them all for me, the leftover legacy from my parents divorce that i need to observe in private.
(this part reminds me of alan alda's memoir that i'm currently reading. wow, i aspire to write like that.)
anyhow, the lead singer in the band looked familiar & then i realized when my friends arrived he's the lead singer in one of their bands. they were great.
the lead singer, really wants me. i mean in general. like he was literally grabbing my ass the last time i saw him. last night my friend helped us along a bit by saying, after he complimented my newsboy hat (of the hat blog) "wouldn't she look good with just that hat on?" but i'm not really going there right now. i dunno. he's a band boy & that sounds like a headache.
anyhow, i danced all night, & caught the attention of this kinda nerdy guy with glasses who was pretty cute. i went over to dirty-dance with him later & he ended up asking me to come with his friends. and then catch the morning train home. i was tempted but something was a little wierd about him so i didn't. he did kiss good though.
i think it's only the first or second time a guy has wanted me to come home with him. somethin' must be changing b/c i think i've tended to scare guys off before. i like whatever that is... :)
----------------------------
this sorta story reminds me a bit of jackie o. i hear she had a rough internal experience, due to her mother's constant criticism. (and wow, look at princess diana's mom screaming at her calling her a slut & a whore.) my mom never did that, but my dad's lack of love really spills over into my whole life. i see it everwhere, even when it doesn't exist.
but back to jackie o. beautiful, stunning legacy of a woman. but i can imagine her back in her room crying before she went out too.
and then there's the byline of j lo in a recent magazine (allure?) that reads she doesn't cry in the bathtub anymore.
i guess being a woman is about that. you laugh, you cry. and the odd thing is, for me, if i stop crying, i stop laughing. something about cleaning out the garbage with tears to make room for the sunshine.
but that's far-off from hot guys & dating topics.
or is it??
last night i was actually sparkly. you'd never imagine for a moment i'd just been crying my eyes out an hour before.
ha. maybe i should cry everytime before i go out & see how many guys i could have brought home. or maybe next time i'll actually do it....
i had an odd night. i was supposed to meet up with my friends to go to this benefit band thing & then when i didn't hear back for sure in time to make it, i decided not to go out. i got all bent out of shape & went through one of my longtime "nobody loves me" episodes which just isn't pretty. or fun. i cried all of my makeup off & took all my clothes off. i didn't throw them out the window though.
then my friend called back to confirm meeting up at another place & i found out the benefit had cost $20 so they weren't really encouraging people to go for only one hour for that. so everyone was meeting up at the next place. so i put my makeup back on & clothes back on (sorry guys) & went.
and had a blast.
i've learned to try to control those "nobody loves me" episodes because invariably if i let anyone know about them or do something dumb like act weak & whiny it's just a PITA. cuz i recover immediately and have a great time. so i've learned to reserve them all for me, the leftover legacy from my parents divorce that i need to observe in private.
(this part reminds me of alan alda's memoir that i'm currently reading. wow, i aspire to write like that.)
anyhow, the lead singer in the band looked familiar & then i realized when my friends arrived he's the lead singer in one of their bands. they were great.
the lead singer, really wants me. i mean in general. like he was literally grabbing my ass the last time i saw him. last night my friend helped us along a bit by saying, after he complimented my newsboy hat (of the hat blog) "wouldn't she look good with just that hat on?" but i'm not really going there right now. i dunno. he's a band boy & that sounds like a headache.
anyhow, i danced all night, & caught the attention of this kinda nerdy guy with glasses who was pretty cute. i went over to dirty-dance with him later & he ended up asking me to come with his friends. and then catch the morning train home. i was tempted but something was a little wierd about him so i didn't. he did kiss good though.
i think it's only the first or second time a guy has wanted me to come home with him. somethin' must be changing b/c i think i've tended to scare guys off before. i like whatever that is... :)
----------------------------
this sorta story reminds me a bit of jackie o. i hear she had a rough internal experience, due to her mother's constant criticism. (and wow, look at princess diana's mom screaming at her calling her a slut & a whore.) my mom never did that, but my dad's lack of love really spills over into my whole life. i see it everwhere, even when it doesn't exist.
but back to jackie o. beautiful, stunning legacy of a woman. but i can imagine her back in her room crying before she went out too.
and then there's the byline of j lo in a recent magazine (allure?) that reads she doesn't cry in the bathtub anymore.
i guess being a woman is about that. you laugh, you cry. and the odd thing is, for me, if i stop crying, i stop laughing. something about cleaning out the garbage with tears to make room for the sunshine.
but that's far-off from hot guys & dating topics.
or is it??
last night i was actually sparkly. you'd never imagine for a moment i'd just been crying my eyes out an hour before.
ha. maybe i should cry everytime before i go out & see how many guys i could have brought home. or maybe next time i'll actually do it....
February 01, 2008
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm
this is the dating person's meditative tone.
which i am humming in my head as i contemplate potential date with another yahoo personals guy. writes very little in his profile & tends to speak in platitudes: in his last message to me he ends with "Always work hard and play harder just remember always practice moderation." (to which i write back, damn, moderation is boring. like you're going to practice moderation on your trip to the Caribbean. NOT! :)"
then in his profile he says: "Life is short everyone needs to be happy." i think what he means is that his profile information is short. like 5 lines.
i'm going to call him platitudes guy. this should turn out very interesting, if it does at all.
of course i asked the obligatory are you married or in a r-ship or with someone who thinks they are in a r-ship with you? he asks if i want to see his divorce papers & then says he's going to the Caribbean, he'll call when he returns.
hmmmmmmmmmm. business or pleasure? with whom?
(not like i care but notice which part of the questions I asked he did NOT answer.)
---------------------
i also have a "date?" with a guy from my dance class sunday for burgers. the one who annoyed me a year ago telling me i wasn't breathing. (to which i desperately wanted to respond, well you don't have any hair, but it doesn't seem to affect your dancing either!) anyhow, i told him lately that statement really annoyed me, so it's not like he doesn't know.
---------------------
i might have another "friend" come over 2nite, waiting to hear back. a real friend, sometimes "friend."
so things are interesting in seeing-single-land.
this is the dating person's meditative tone.
which i am humming in my head as i contemplate potential date with another yahoo personals guy. writes very little in his profile & tends to speak in platitudes: in his last message to me he ends with "Always work hard and play harder just remember always practice moderation." (to which i write back, damn, moderation is boring. like you're going to practice moderation on your trip to the Caribbean. NOT! :)"
then in his profile he says: "Life is short everyone needs to be happy." i think what he means is that his profile information is short. like 5 lines.
i'm going to call him platitudes guy. this should turn out very interesting, if it does at all.
of course i asked the obligatory are you married or in a r-ship or with someone who thinks they are in a r-ship with you? he asks if i want to see his divorce papers & then says he's going to the Caribbean, he'll call when he returns.
hmmmmmmmmmm. business or pleasure? with whom?
(not like i care but notice which part of the questions I asked he did NOT answer.)
---------------------
i also have a "date?" with a guy from my dance class sunday for burgers. the one who annoyed me a year ago telling me i wasn't breathing. (to which i desperately wanted to respond, well you don't have any hair, but it doesn't seem to affect your dancing either!) anyhow, i told him lately that statement really annoyed me, so it's not like he doesn't know.
---------------------
i might have another "friend" come over 2nite, waiting to hear back. a real friend, sometimes "friend."
so things are interesting in seeing-single-land.
January 30, 2008
bloody pissed
i love the word bloody. it's supposed to be a swear word, but it just makes me think of surgeries. or wars. i love it because i'm swearing but i don't feel like it. and if i get this cute little (or intelligent big) accent in my head, i sound very proper with my is-it-a-swear? word.
ok, back to topic. today i'm BPd.
boys are now everywhere in my life. well, they don't particularly live here in my town (small problem) but they're just wanting to talk to me & see me.
because i don't care.
watch me care. i'll post, "today i care." and they'll all feel it with their non-feminine intuition (which is always spot-on) and run and hide.
dammit. this always happens.
the minute you either get into a r-ship or don't give a s***, boyz attack you from all sides, eager to break down your love walls. (ha. like love handles but bigger.)
then you collapse, eager to let down your guard and not be at war with menkind (or not-kind) anymore, and they run and hide. afraid of getting hit by that wall on its way down.
my new mantra is to ignore each of them for a day after they contact me. 24 hours. let them stew. seems to keep them hopping around my little city (of lovelessness. well, not really, i do love me...)
so far it's working like a CHARM.
and that's why i'm BPd.
i love the word bloody. it's supposed to be a swear word, but it just makes me think of surgeries. or wars. i love it because i'm swearing but i don't feel like it. and if i get this cute little (or intelligent big) accent in my head, i sound very proper with my is-it-a-swear? word.
ok, back to topic. today i'm BPd.
boys are now everywhere in my life. well, they don't particularly live here in my town (small problem) but they're just wanting to talk to me & see me.
because i don't care.
watch me care. i'll post, "today i care." and they'll all feel it with their non-feminine intuition (which is always spot-on) and run and hide.
dammit. this always happens.
the minute you either get into a r-ship or don't give a s***, boyz attack you from all sides, eager to break down your love walls. (ha. like love handles but bigger.)
then you collapse, eager to let down your guard and not be at war with menkind (or not-kind) anymore, and they run and hide. afraid of getting hit by that wall on its way down.
my new mantra is to ignore each of them for a day after they contact me. 24 hours. let them stew. seems to keep them hopping around my little city (of lovelessness. well, not really, i do love me...)
so far it's working like a CHARM.
and that's why i'm BPd.