moment of truth?

well, i've come back around to that spot i keep hitting with my cap.

he doesn't respond to my uh, hints, to meet up for, a day or so. then i get upset. and he gets annoyed that i get upset.

he responded to my upset e-mails by calling and asking what i want from him. (in a nice way, not justlikethat.)

i didn't have an answer. i don't think there is anything we can work out that is good for both of us. for starters, i said, i was hoping to find out if we can get along. well, said he, yeah, but that isn't looking good right now.

he kept asking me like how many times what i wanted from him, & finally i said i wanted more from him than just friends. my guess is he just wanted to hear it.

he actually sounded happy about that. & said we could talk more about it later on in the week.

so here we go again. maybe. through this cycle. i don't think there is any solution. but i'm curious at what will happen if we talk through it.

i don't even know what to say anymore. i just adore this guy. but he's not going to get into a relationship that would satisfy me. so i guess maybe i should just ask him back, so putting aside what i want for a minute, what is available to me?

my guess is, nothing. but interestingly enough, he has come back around again & is suggesting we have this conversation AGAIN. and seems happy to have it.

what it will bring, i don't know. i'm not going to give up anyone else i am dating, but if we could even get along, hmmm. it would be nice.

in my fantasies, we have a great relationship. i just don't see how to translate that to reality...and i've never dated someone so distant before, who hasn't even HAD a conversation like this with a woman. meaning, no woman has even asked him why he waits a day to respond to messages to him.

i am the first.

i love...

the comment by anonmyous to my previous post. thank you! i do deserve it! it's just so fricken complicated...here's how.

i spent most of yesterday with mr. 5-years ago. he's tall, good-looking, smart, sweet. we spent 9 hours straight together. & i didn't want him to go.

we furminated my kitty, lol, hopped in the car & drive down to faneuil hall, walked around & found a good place to eat down near the courthouse, had a drink & watched the redsox, & then went & had dinner & watched the redsox some more (i did. on my new company-sponsored blackberry.)

he is well-traveled, sweet, accomplished (an architect) and is a good dad to a couple kids.

he kissed me good night & i was ok about it. & i woke up this morning normal.

after he left, i fumed most of the night over my caps delayed text message to me. battery died, forgot to e-mail me back. only to wake up to an e-mail this morning in my gmail. as i pondered the little blue envelope (gmail notifier) when i was opening the e-mail, i thought to self, it would be nice to hear from my cap. but that wouldn't happen.

it did. he was asking if i wanted to do brunch, let him know. i already have brunch plans. part of my new plan-my-weekend life which is doing wonderful things for me. including the need to up my cell-phone plan b/c i went 300 texts over limit, last month.

so my dilemma is this.

mr. 5-years ago who i will now call my architect (who is a very good and successful one, btw) is very sweet. he fills an emotional need for me.

my cap, makes me happy. deep down inside. i have never ever experienced anything like this. my mother has been dating a guy that does the same thing for her. has been, as they insist they can't be together because of their strong religious beliefs. but she met the first guy in her life that makes her super super happy - at 78. i did way before that...

also, i have known my cap for years. and my architect, not for long. i liked my cap from the second i met him, and have never stopped. he has seen me at my worst during both our first AND second rounds of dating, and been sweet to me every moment. he is a good family man, and is rock-solid in terms of dependability. he is super sexy and just - what can i say. he calms me down & fills me up at the same time. emotionally, he fills my soul.

actually there is no dilemma. i should do nothing & keep seeing them both. my architect lives out of town & my cap doesn't. so things can work out perfectly. i don't really think i want to be exclusive right now anyway because i just actually don't think i can have it all & i don't know what to do about that.

so this is the new post-jerk me. not wanting to watch my dreams of having a family & kid, which i might be able to have with my architect, fall down the drain. but knowing that giving up something in life that is fulfilling me (my cap) in favor of of something i don't even have yet or might never have or might not like it if i have it, isn't a good trade off.

happiness is fleeting for me. i didn't grow up a happy person. i was shy. and then after my dad left, i lost my world. so i essentially have felt homeless since i was 14. i've done the "right thing" for so many years that i now tend to do the opposite just to see what will happen. unless there is a moral issue involved.

now i have a sweet guy who is giving me temporary happiness, and one who may offer long-term happiness. i'm actually not inclined to give up either, but if i have to, i'm not sure i could give up someone that i wake up smiling in the morning AFTER i see them. those are the types of guys i'd wish i were having an affair with if i WERE committed.

one of the reasons i am still single is because i firmly believe that if you settle down with someone that is cool, and meet someone who is hot, you will then want to have an affair with mr. hot. that is just what happened to a co-worker of mine, who finally married her ho-hum boyfriend of 5 years or so who she never had anything good to say about, and then met the love of her life 3 months later. she is now getting divorced, a good thing. she told me don't get married. (let me just say about the new guy she met, i had a crush on him also when i first met him. he is just super-awesome, smart, nice, and well, seems like the perfect guy. so when i say hot, i mean, got it ALL going on.)

i can't wait to attend the seminar on men & marraige by understandmen.com. it will help me finally and forever resolve this pressure to take on this commitment that appears to me to be binding and archaic, unless of course, i have many things to gain from it. i see women gaining very little from marraige, and i am not convinved (admits i for the first time ever) that it is for me. kids, yes. kids is the part that is devestating to not have. i think. (breathes in bird-song-filled air on a quiet sunday morning drinking coffee with cat.) certainly i am content with my life and my decisions.

content. my architect.

but happy. my cap.

how important is happy? i gotta tell you, right now, for me, it is everything.

is that so short-sighted?

the horror

ok, well, in this case, it's the fear, but i like that quote from the former pets.com sock puppet. you didn't know this but i used to run his online fan club. yes i did. for years. people loved the sock.

anyway.

so i wrote my cap last night asking what his weekend was looking like & haven't heard back yet. that's an eternity in my head, a second in his. (from last night until now.) this is the part where it's hard to keep my self-confidence up. this is hte problem we ran into when we were dating.

i wanted to see him. he wanted to be at the funnest place possible. which meant with all his friends. out.

hence the reason we stopped dating.

i was ok with this, well, until i start getting addicted or attached to him. he doesn't have this happen regarding me so it's all one-sided. & here i am wondering when i'll see him again.

i don't like this part of the open relationship thing. i don't like the not knowing. but it is also the most attractive part of the relationship to. the not knowing. it makes things interesting. keeps things interesting.

that hardest part of relating to a guy is keeping up your confidence. alison armstrong writes about this & it's so true. when men & women date, it's not the guy that changes (the most) it's the woman. we get clingy, why don't you love me, why don't you call me. the girl the guy THOUGHT he was bringing home was a bubbly confident f*you type who didn't need him to choose every adverb for her, & now there she is bawling on the floor because he watches a little round ball being thrown around too long & doesn't love her anymore.

sigh.

well, i have stuff going on. mr. 5-years ago is going to stop by today. tonite i could do 2 or 3 different things, including meet up with the bachlorette b*, but i dunno. i might just chill at home. we'll see...gotta be a vin diesel movie out there i haven't seen yet.

i went to a meet & mix thing last night & met a new guy. he's a software engineer, seems sweet. but every sad. i'm not sure just cuz it was laid off. i don't think i can deal with sad guys.

one thing about my cap is that he might not be around all that much but he doesn't have a current of anger or sadness running through his veins that depresses me. i have too much sadness of my own to want any more...

waves back to princess b!

it's not supposed to be this way!

i seem to live outside the realm of normality.

i'm currently very happy with a non-traditional is-it-a-relationship? & it's all wrong. it's just not right.

but i'm super happy.

last night i hung out with mr. busy, who i'm going to now start calling my cap. as in capricorn. i don't wear him on my head.

and i am super happy today. did i say that already? he has that effect on me. always has, but it's getting worse. or better.

thing is, we didn't do anything! we drove around trying to find a place to eat, finally had some eh food & watched the red sox. then went back to my place & laid on the couch & i fell asleep while he watched tv.

that was it.

it.

nothing else.

& i'm happy as a clam.

what is it about this guy? i woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & went, wow, you're like super happy. so i wrote to him, saying how happy i was. what was he doing, drugging me? whatever it was, keep it up. lol.

so on the way to work i grab why men love bi*ches & read it. nothing applies. i mean about him. we don't have a relationship. i don't think we're headed there. he's happiest when he's off when other people on weekends & i'm not doing so bad myself seeing other people too.

but he makes me the happiest of anyone in my life & i think anyone i've ever dated. & we do nothing!

in fact, we don't even really have any meaningful conversation. it's just hang out & relax & chill.

i'm so fricken confused.

but happy.

go figure.

mr. busy

i've been seeing mr. busy (my cap) again. along with mr. 5-years-ago. in fact on sunday night i saw them both.

i kissed 2 boys & i liked it.

actually, i more like attacked mr. busy. which he was super happy about. thanks for the "dinner," said i. no, thank YOU. said he.

mr. busy is busy living up to his moniker. i asked him if he wanted to do dinner the other night (for real). he was busy getting ready he said. i texted, you around this weekend? thinking what is he getting ready for? sure enough he sends me back an e-mail today with a list of all the people he is meeting & things he is doing so that he won't have time until mid-next week to see me.

hence mr. busy.

in an interestingly-insightful move, i realize this is why i like mr. busy so much. he likes people. rather, he loves people.

on our first date i asked him to tell me about himself. first words out of his mouth - i really like people.

so tonite i write him back that i remember this, and that is one of the coolest things about him. i'm sure he'll be jaw-droppingly-shocked, as before when we dated i was whiney about why don't you want to see me. his little litany of appointments is his way of telling me it's not that i don't want to see you...(i do tend sometimes to regress to the comment about being last on his agenda, which he denies.) since we're not dating & he has no reason to need to explain his whereabouts to me, he is telling me to make sure i really know i'm not last - he isn't blowing me off.

i look forward to seeing you again when you have time, says i.

i wonder what he will do when i tell him how much i like it that he likes other people.

the coolest thing about people that don't blow off people to see you, is that they don't blow you off either. mr. busy has never once let me down when he said he'd meet up. he could also be called mr. dependable, which is one reason, in spite of all the things that we don't have in common (as he rightly pointed out last time we dated), i keep coming back to try to get on his agenda. well, that & his "dinners." ;)

i'm noticing lately too that mr. busy doesn't want to leave when he comes over. & offers me to stay long when i visit him. which i refuse, being tired & all, but especially knowing that hanging around too long was one thing that made our previous relationship lose steam. but regardless, i am curious about this new little event. two times doesn't make a trend (knows i, from my job) yet - changes in behavior do show something. different.

so anyhow, to point out the obvious moral of the story: similar to when i never heard from the jerk the day after he said all his dates had been "what was her name again?" when people tell you things about themselves: LISTEN.

people don't change

about a year after not seeing the bachelorette bi*ch (remember how she didn't want me in her wedding? and my friend/turned her friend not to go?) i decided to text & say hello. in the spirit of reconciliation, which seems to be permeating my life. since she has been looking at my myspace page nearly every week it seems during this time (yea trackers) it seemed like she might want to work something out.

so i do. and eventually, after a few weeks of texts, we talk. last night she called. (i guess mr. busy called her & they prob talked about me, since i told her i'm seeing him again.)(i met him through her.)

and i remembered why we aren't friends. it didn't take her long to call one of my friends wierd - actually the one that i just met up with in vegas, from la. and to question if my friend/turned her friend really had a baby with that same guy, and yes it's still a complicated situation, relationship-wise. but everyone knows everything & they are all ok with it so whatever.

this morning i wrote her, that to follow up on her comments in the broadest sense, yes, me and my friends were still wierd. but we were very happy. with our wierdness. smiley. she wrote back i don't know what you're talking about. so i mentioned the part about mr. la. it was about him not meeting up with me when he said. i deserve better than that, she responds smiley.

i respond, oh you mean the time one of his (small plane) engines died & he almost crashed & couldn't make it? yes, we're still friends. in fact this time my compulsively-lying co-worker really screwed him over after he lost his wallet, after he came over from LA to show us a good time. poor guy.

b*.

sigh.

oh, so she did tell me about her wedding. 3 sentences. oh, we got married on the beach. it went well. married life is about the same as before.

to which i roll my eyes, remembering how she wanted to hook up with mr. NY. the night of her bachelorette party. who told me that himself, he knew it. and i hear her tell me that this guy she met on the islands & went to see when she was still single is now married & has been calling her ever since wanting to meet up.

so anyhow, in spite of her married bliss, i think, well, if this is the extent of the explanation about why i wasn't in her wedding, we just weren't gonna be able to work anything out.

i had lunch today with my former hip-hop teacher & a friend that did my hip-hop showcase with me. that was a blast. i told them about ms. bi*ch & they both said you know, you should kill her with kindness. she is so unhappy. just be like, oh that's awesome! i'm so happy for you...blah blah blah.

yes. some people don't change.

but clearly, we hip-hop girls do - so mature and wise. whatever happened to us. i guess all the bitchy got hopped out of us.

whatever happened, i'm lovin' it.

the d word

i don't even know where to start. the drama.

well, i guess the most relevant thing is that mr. ny moved here & then immediately started dating a girl from NY who is moving here soon. so he is out of the picture. i find this out after more than a month of him not meeting up with me. clearly he wants to keep me around in case she doesn't work out. this should be interesting.

i really don't know what i think about him anymore. my friends tell me he is toxic & all i do is complain about him, but he has filled a spot in my life & i really liked him. when he is nice. surprisingly, i cried for a while when he told me this. i guess i liked him more than i thought.

that's the biggest new thing in terms of guys that shook my world.

in other news, my aunt had a surgery & 2 strokes & then died, my mom had surgery, i went to las vegas with a treacherous co-worker who made mega-fights between me & mr. la, my long-time lawyer friend. we have got that straightened out but only after much emotional expense.

i'm so emotionally exhausted i really can't even recount it. but that is what's going on. when i have more energy to analyze things more, i will be back.

of course in a reactionary move i asked mr. (gee i forget what i call these guys) busy what was wrong with me that guys didn't want to date me, only screw around. he wisely didn't respond to any of those questions. & i said i probably shouldn't see him again either so i didn't lose him too, then i changed my mind. we'll see if he ever responds again, lol. he wisely just disappears when i turn too radical, which means there is never any drama with him.

oh, and the former co-worker who showed up to apologize then abruptly told me he was done with me??? and then changed his mind saying he didn't mean it. a couple kisses later he really didn't mean it, but i couldn't let it go so i backtracked it to friends letting him know that was an ass thing to say & i couldn't ignore it.

why i even try to be friends with these guys i don't know. what is there in me that can't let go?

my new resolution is to stop contacting them all & see who comes back.

right. i will try that now. good luck me...

spring cleaning

i am taking a few guys out of my phone.

again.

mr. busy, gone.
mr. ny (now moved here), gone. along with an e-mail that he hurt my feelings by not wanting to meet up WTF.
mr. jack is back. gone.

these guys. urgh.

they will never be what i want or can deal with. i am very back & forth with them.

urgh. myself.

i'm done with you

last night i met up with the guy who i dated 5 years ago, who was getting divorced & ultimately left b/c he wasn't ready for a new r-ship.

i met him & was somewhat surprised i guess that he'd gained a little weight. i wasn't blown away, but he is attractive and articulate and i had fun talking with him.

so we talked for about 3 hours, over a couple drinks & a great dinner. then we were talking & the conversation took an interesting turn. he started to talk like nice to see you, hope the best for you, etc. & then at some point he blurted out in his normal but strange way, "i'm done with you."

i was somewhat surprised by the statement b/c hey, who says this. anyhow. i was like, uh, okayyyyy, in an unsure but whatever way. & then he said, "wait, no i'm not done with you."

so he then tried to backtrack.

we got out to the car & he is telling me he is taking it back. this whole statement was right after i got done telling him that people tell you outright what they think & if you just listen, you'll know. so then he says this not 5 minutes later.

so he wants to kiss me goodnight & i do. it's ok, not crazy but nice. somewhat i remember him being before. & says he'll call. so we get in cars.

& i call mr. busy. who is tired from a ski trip & doesn't want to meet up but chats for a while.

anyhow. why am i far more interested in mr. busy. ugh.

but what is really interesting is that - i don't know what to make of this. i don't like to ignore statements like that, b/c at the least, i think they show a certain level of conflict in feelings about me. at the worst, he means it. at the best, it means - well, that he says stupid stuff.

so i'm not sure if i should just try to ignore it or say i think you probably actually meant that.

hmmm.

me=sex

well, i had a fantastic, life-changing experience at the seminar.

finally. to realize men don't just love sex, they love sex with US.

and most important -

i am the origin and source of my sexuality.

wow that is profound. now i don't have to go looking everywhere for it!

hmmm. will ponder these things & think upon them...while slowly undressing...