much ado about nothing
so the reason i'm so angry at the jerk is....
he left without saying goodbye. or at least, i think he did. which meant, he did NOTHING.
yes, i am angry at him for nothing. not for what he DID, but for what he DID NOT do.
this is an interesting exercise in ommission. and also, in my interpretation.
i think i'm right on with everything i imagined. but logically, i'm telling myself, i am all upset for what reason again?
just because he didn't do something for 3 weeks that he had been doing, i get all bent out of shape & fall apart.
my feelings aren't wrong. they are very justified. everyone i talk to thinks this is a very wierd situation. but just to spin the whole thing on its head & look at it logically -
i have made much ado about nothing.
pretty ironic really.
see how important nothing is?!
March 11, 2009
freak therapy
well i guess i should thank the jerk. since i have severe abandonment issues, his leaving me in such a stark manner sure helps me address those head on. i mean really. where else do you get such on-target therapy but from the source?!
it helps to realize he's just like my father, so why would i want that. i mean if a man has no heart, he has no heart & he's not gonna grow one over night. you can kick & scream all you want but a stone doesn't feel it.
fuck it, i do want him. i miss him like hell. he was a good friend, i thought, and i grew accustomed to his face. but then that doesn't really matter.
when i decided mr. cuba was over i didn't bother responding to him either. (well, this was AFTER i told him we wouldn't be dating, goodbye, about 3 times. just for the record. i don't hit & run...) anyhow, i just let him wear himself out with trying. then a few months later when i forgot how annoying he was, i tried again. only to find myself equally annoyed.
oh well. hopefully at least i annoyed the jerk. the best you can hope for when a man has no heart is to annoy his head.
tonite i guess i realized it's over. i can kick & scream all i want, he's not coming back. that's actually the reason i'm doing it. he told me as much, when he said of all his girls, "what was her name again?" mr. chef actually thought the jerk liked me because he told me so much about himself. i mean he told me all this stuff.
it hurt like hell tonite. just pain in my chest. i miss him so much. it wasn't even aching it was damn hurting. this guy really f*d me up in the head. i had no idea he got in so deep until here i am crying. again.
but never never asking for him to come back. hell. i may be pissed but i will never ask for what i really don't want.
it's hard to let go. i am so fricken hurting. i hate loving people so much & getting attached. they run off la la la & here i am with my daddy issues, don't leave me.
f*in fathers. f*in men.
no honor. in any of them.
well i guess i should thank the jerk. since i have severe abandonment issues, his leaving me in such a stark manner sure helps me address those head on. i mean really. where else do you get such on-target therapy but from the source?!
it helps to realize he's just like my father, so why would i want that. i mean if a man has no heart, he has no heart & he's not gonna grow one over night. you can kick & scream all you want but a stone doesn't feel it.
fuck it, i do want him. i miss him like hell. he was a good friend, i thought, and i grew accustomed to his face. but then that doesn't really matter.
when i decided mr. cuba was over i didn't bother responding to him either. (well, this was AFTER i told him we wouldn't be dating, goodbye, about 3 times. just for the record. i don't hit & run...) anyhow, i just let him wear himself out with trying. then a few months later when i forgot how annoying he was, i tried again. only to find myself equally annoyed.
oh well. hopefully at least i annoyed the jerk. the best you can hope for when a man has no heart is to annoy his head.
tonite i guess i realized it's over. i can kick & scream all i want, he's not coming back. that's actually the reason i'm doing it. he told me as much, when he said of all his girls, "what was her name again?" mr. chef actually thought the jerk liked me because he told me so much about himself. i mean he told me all this stuff.
it hurt like hell tonite. just pain in my chest. i miss him so much. it wasn't even aching it was damn hurting. this guy really f*d me up in the head. i had no idea he got in so deep until here i am crying. again.
but never never asking for him to come back. hell. i may be pissed but i will never ask for what i really don't want.
it's hard to let go. i am so fricken hurting. i hate loving people so much & getting attached. they run off la la la & here i am with my daddy issues, don't leave me.
f*in fathers. f*in men.
no honor. in any of them.
...& candlestick maker...
ok, i didn't go on vacation with him. i went with a lawyer & a chef. 2 fun. crazy guys.
the chef likes me. super sweet guy. he's the one who told me exactly what the jerk is thinking (how much he's gonna miss me - but not until later), what he wants (to be abused) & what will happen (he'll find a girl that looks just like me & finish our r-ship business with HER).
and i realized why i like jerks.
super sweet is super until - you just want space. what is it about that?
we were out dancing at this club & i enjoyed dancing with him until - i wanted to dance with some other guys. & then i was like hmmm. he kept holding onto me & wouldn't let go.
this is what i have been doing to the jerk. i mean if you don't leave people can't miss you.
on the other hand, missing me isn't the goal. me just getting him out of my system is. which is why it's MY goal not his that matters. i don't need him to regret or miss me. i'll never know it if he does. me, on the other hand, i matter.
it's not about the treatment sometimes, it's about the space. and jerks give you space. space to breathe & room to grow. away from them.
there's this fine fine line between the two. but there is one. it's why guys that i'm not into like me. if i'm not all over them, they enjoy the challenge.
i'm no different.
if i wanted him back, i would have tried to strategize. i don't. i just want him out of my system. so i'm purging him.
i'm not sure really how to get a cool guy that doesn't bore me. i thought i had one in the jerk. but he wasn't cool. what is it about nice & boring?
intellectually stimulating. there are so few guys that mentally turn me on. it's annoying. to have one have slipped thru my fingers sucks.
why can't i have intelligence, looks, the right amount of space, great s*x & moderate levels of jerkness, but only when i want them?
where is this composite guy that fits?
bother. i wish he'd show up. i'm bored now. i need a new guy to play with.
ok, i didn't go on vacation with him. i went with a lawyer & a chef. 2 fun. crazy guys.
the chef likes me. super sweet guy. he's the one who told me exactly what the jerk is thinking (how much he's gonna miss me - but not until later), what he wants (to be abused) & what will happen (he'll find a girl that looks just like me & finish our r-ship business with HER).
and i realized why i like jerks.
super sweet is super until - you just want space. what is it about that?
we were out dancing at this club & i enjoyed dancing with him until - i wanted to dance with some other guys. & then i was like hmmm. he kept holding onto me & wouldn't let go.
this is what i have been doing to the jerk. i mean if you don't leave people can't miss you.
on the other hand, missing me isn't the goal. me just getting him out of my system is. which is why it's MY goal not his that matters. i don't need him to regret or miss me. i'll never know it if he does. me, on the other hand, i matter.
it's not about the treatment sometimes, it's about the space. and jerks give you space. space to breathe & room to grow. away from them.
there's this fine fine line between the two. but there is one. it's why guys that i'm not into like me. if i'm not all over them, they enjoy the challenge.
i'm no different.
if i wanted him back, i would have tried to strategize. i don't. i just want him out of my system. so i'm purging him.
i'm not sure really how to get a cool guy that doesn't bore me. i thought i had one in the jerk. but he wasn't cool. what is it about nice & boring?
intellectually stimulating. there are so few guys that mentally turn me on. it's annoying. to have one have slipped thru my fingers sucks.
why can't i have intelligence, looks, the right amount of space, great s*x & moderate levels of jerkness, but only when i want them?
where is this composite guy that fits?
bother. i wish he'd show up. i'm bored now. i need a new guy to play with.
annoyance
i continue to text the jerk. not because it's cool, just because i feel like it. i expect he might have blocked me.
but in the offchance he hasn't (he enjoying the ego boost from it), i'm being the only one in his life that's telling him dude, fix your sh*t.
there is always a need in life for people to tell us that. mr. lawyer, one of the guys that i just went on vaca with (and what a vaca it was, omg) used to tell me the most important things about myself that in needed to fix. and he was right. and i started trying to fix them.
so i am providing the same service for the jerk. this "fix-it" text sponsored by seeing-single.
whether or not i ever know this, i know it now: i will be the one that he let get away. & someday he will be sorry about this. even if i never know it. why? i am quality.
i am a quality girl.
now he doesn't like that, he likes being abused. so i started doing some of that too, just so he would feel at home. but in general, i only do that when you have stepped on my toes. so i yell back.
i wonder who i'll be dating next. i'm kinda looking forward to it. the good thing is, I will be different. that's the only way you change the type of people you date. you change YOURSELF first & then your r-ships are different.
hmmm. who will he be?
i continue to text the jerk. not because it's cool, just because i feel like it. i expect he might have blocked me.
but in the offchance he hasn't (he enjoying the ego boost from it), i'm being the only one in his life that's telling him dude, fix your sh*t.
there is always a need in life for people to tell us that. mr. lawyer, one of the guys that i just went on vaca with (and what a vaca it was, omg) used to tell me the most important things about myself that in needed to fix. and he was right. and i started trying to fix them.
so i am providing the same service for the jerk. this "fix-it" text sponsored by seeing-single.
whether or not i ever know this, i know it now: i will be the one that he let get away. & someday he will be sorry about this. even if i never know it. why? i am quality.
i am a quality girl.
now he doesn't like that, he likes being abused. so i started doing some of that too, just so he would feel at home. but in general, i only do that when you have stepped on my toes. so i yell back.
i wonder who i'll be dating next. i'm kinda looking forward to it. the good thing is, I will be different. that's the only way you change the type of people you date. you change YOURSELF first & then your r-ships are different.
hmmm. who will he be?
March 10, 2009
turnabout is unfair play
so of course the jerk refused to see me when i was out in LA. numerous texts went unanswered. so i decided since he's gone & i don't want him back, i will just do whatever i feel like doing.
so i'm just doing whatever i feel like. at the moment it is disappearing. after 3 weeks of texting & trying to make contact, i gave him through the time i was there & i'm done.
fair, unfair, bah humbug.
now all that matters is - play.
so of course the jerk refused to see me when i was out in LA. numerous texts went unanswered. so i decided since he's gone & i don't want him back, i will just do whatever i feel like doing.
so i'm just doing whatever i feel like. at the moment it is disappearing. after 3 weeks of texting & trying to make contact, i gave him through the time i was there & i'm done.
fair, unfair, bah humbug.
now all that matters is - play.
March 04, 2009
not debited
i keep checking my bank balance to see if the jerk deposited the check i sent him back. nothing yet. i wish he would.
i texted him today (a no no but WTF, it' MY life) saying it was all a facade, eh? him "liking" me. you don't stop caring for someone in 4 hours and disappear. that i had trusted him [he had made a BIG deal about me trusting him. now i know why, lol] as a man of honor? where had that man gone?
honor is apparently easy-come-easy-go with some men. they think everyone in their life deserves honor except their women. shocking.
what did i do to him to make him dishonor me? threaten to reject him sometime maybe in the future? he gave me no guarantees & no affection at that point. nah, i did nothing to deserve the dishonor.
his disrespect of women is in his head. it's just so hard to deflect that. i need teflon.
isn't that toxic though? [imagines being sprayed with it, how sexy it would look if it were bronze. but then what, die from the chemicals? better that than grief? hmmmm.]
dammit, jerk, cash that check already. just give some indication you have exited the building. why do I have to be the one to realize you left?
where is the early warning system before a guy ejects? i mean, did i miss all the lights & sirens?
i keep checking my bank balance to see if the jerk deposited the check i sent him back. nothing yet. i wish he would.
i texted him today (a no no but WTF, it' MY life) saying it was all a facade, eh? him "liking" me. you don't stop caring for someone in 4 hours and disappear. that i had trusted him [he had made a BIG deal about me trusting him. now i know why, lol] as a man of honor? where had that man gone?
honor is apparently easy-come-easy-go with some men. they think everyone in their life deserves honor except their women. shocking.
what did i do to him to make him dishonor me? threaten to reject him sometime maybe in the future? he gave me no guarantees & no affection at that point. nah, i did nothing to deserve the dishonor.
his disrespect of women is in his head. it's just so hard to deflect that. i need teflon.
isn't that toxic though? [imagines being sprayed with it, how sexy it would look if it were bronze. but then what, die from the chemicals? better that than grief? hmmmm.]
dammit, jerk, cash that check already. just give some indication you have exited the building. why do I have to be the one to realize you left?
where is the early warning system before a guy ejects? i mean, did i miss all the lights & sirens?
can you hear me now?
there is this network single people have. our sort of extended family. where we go to be healed & lick our wounds & get validation & have fun & well, play.
it's why you don't burn your bridges. though i told all my guys i was seeing the jerk & couldn't see them "that way" anymore, they were happy to welcome me back with open arms (& legs) when things changed. this isn't just a guy thing. it's a survival thing.
girlfriends come & go. we get start dating, get attached, ignore our gfriends & then need them again when we get dumped yet again. i don't do this, but some girls do. i just helped a friend move tonite who hasn't called me in months. she is very with child & we don't hang anymore. nevertheless, she is my buddy & when in need, i'm there.
my married friends don't understand this. one who wants to divorce her husband after 40 years & has asked him to move out for a while (hoping he'll change) got frightened at night. i asked her why she didn't call me. she said what can you do, you don't live nearby. not at all the point. i told her i was putting her on my girlfriend call list & would check in with her to see how she is. so i have.
you don't really do this with married people. because - they sure don't do it with you. their families & husbands & wives go first (as they should) & single people go last. but since us singletons don't have that commitment - we commit to each other.
loosely.
my friends marvel, and sometimes not in a good way, at my "network" of guys. well, now it's sure coming in handy. after you reach a point with some guys that you stop being all infatuated, they can really become useful friends, with or without benefits. i just texted mr. NY yesterday saying that i hoped when he moved to town he wouldn't get a gf too fast, wink. he said he always got something but he preferred to think of them as friends.
in lieu of better options, that works for me.
there is this network single people have. our sort of extended family. where we go to be healed & lick our wounds & get validation & have fun & well, play.
it's why you don't burn your bridges. though i told all my guys i was seeing the jerk & couldn't see them "that way" anymore, they were happy to welcome me back with open arms (& legs) when things changed. this isn't just a guy thing. it's a survival thing.
girlfriends come & go. we get start dating, get attached, ignore our gfriends & then need them again when we get dumped yet again. i don't do this, but some girls do. i just helped a friend move tonite who hasn't called me in months. she is very with child & we don't hang anymore. nevertheless, she is my buddy & when in need, i'm there.
my married friends don't understand this. one who wants to divorce her husband after 40 years & has asked him to move out for a while (hoping he'll change) got frightened at night. i asked her why she didn't call me. she said what can you do, you don't live nearby. not at all the point. i told her i was putting her on my girlfriend call list & would check in with her to see how she is. so i have.
you don't really do this with married people. because - they sure don't do it with you. their families & husbands & wives go first (as they should) & single people go last. but since us singletons don't have that commitment - we commit to each other.
loosely.
my friends marvel, and sometimes not in a good way, at my "network" of guys. well, now it's sure coming in handy. after you reach a point with some guys that you stop being all infatuated, they can really become useful friends, with or without benefits. i just texted mr. NY yesterday saying that i hoped when he moved to town he wouldn't get a gf too fast, wink. he said he always got something but he preferred to think of them as friends.
in lieu of better options, that works for me.
March 03, 2009
happy happy, sudz, sudz
the laundromat is such a happy place. (at least when i go ;)
for a single person, the laundromat provides one of the funnest glimpses into family life. sometimes its fun while you're there, sometimes its fun when you leave & breathe a sigh of relief, that yes, you are going home ALONE thank goodness to peace & quiet.
tonite there was a joint family of kids running up to punch my dryer buttons (2 cute) & playing in the laundry baskets. in fact, one pre-teenage girl was pushing her 3 siblings around in 3 different baskets hooked up like a train. she pushed them around the washing machines twice, & then hopped in for her "brother" to do the same. i think he decided it was too much work so the train ended soon thereafter. they then went & sat in the laundry baskets.
one little guy kept looking to me for attention, so i smiled back. his last antic was to run to the trash can with a pair of underwear that he was stretching as far as it could go, yelling "they're brOken!"
as i said, the littlest girl wanted to push my dryer buttons, for which her parents remonstrated her. she later came up & started shyly playing with some shirts of mine, again seeking smiles. which of course i gave.
they were too cute. it really made me all warm & fuzzy & i came home with warm laundry & a fuzzy heart.
[she glows]
the laundromat is such a happy place. (at least when i go ;)
for a single person, the laundromat provides one of the funnest glimpses into family life. sometimes its fun while you're there, sometimes its fun when you leave & breathe a sigh of relief, that yes, you are going home ALONE thank goodness to peace & quiet.
tonite there was a joint family of kids running up to punch my dryer buttons (2 cute) & playing in the laundry baskets. in fact, one pre-teenage girl was pushing her 3 siblings around in 3 different baskets hooked up like a train. she pushed them around the washing machines twice, & then hopped in for her "brother" to do the same. i think he decided it was too much work so the train ended soon thereafter. they then went & sat in the laundry baskets.
one little guy kept looking to me for attention, so i smiled back. his last antic was to run to the trash can with a pair of underwear that he was stretching as far as it could go, yelling "they're brOken!"
as i said, the littlest girl wanted to push my dryer buttons, for which her parents remonstrated her. she later came up & started shyly playing with some shirts of mine, again seeking smiles. which of course i gave.
they were too cute. it really made me all warm & fuzzy & i came home with warm laundry & a fuzzy heart.
[she glows]
March 02, 2009
drowning in guilt
because it's my fantasy...
i am imaging the jerkometer, wracked with guilt. about hurting me. not being able to sleep at night. fearing my wrath. cowering in despair, can he ever be a good man to women again?
mwahahaha.
may guilt be the best revenge. oh wait, the second best.
the best revenge is always - for me to be beautiful.
because it's my fantasy...
i am imaging the jerkometer, wracked with guilt. about hurting me. not being able to sleep at night. fearing my wrath. cowering in despair, can he ever be a good man to women again?
mwahahaha.
may guilt be the best revenge. oh wait, the second best.
the best revenge is always - for me to be beautiful.
not just s*x
that's not the redsox. yeah, it's offseason. but i know you were thinking that.
i finally asked mr. NY if what was between us was just s*x. i told him my friend told me that from the minute we met.
he said no.
i believe him.
which is nice. to believe a guy, i mean.
it doesn't mean we're dating, or that we will. but it means, at least, that we are friends.
thank goodness at least some guys get attached & have a hard time saying goodbye...
that's not the redsox. yeah, it's offseason. but i know you were thinking that.
i finally asked mr. NY if what was between us was just s*x. i told him my friend told me that from the minute we met.
he said no.
i believe him.
which is nice. to believe a guy, i mean.
it doesn't mean we're dating, or that we will. but it means, at least, that we are friends.
thank goodness at least some guys get attached & have a hard time saying goodbye...