bitchy sidewalks

i dread dating again. i have this thing that i have, which gives me a lot of chronic pain & inability to sleep well. especially with other people around. guys are all interested in dating me until they run up against this.

with my CEXB (cheater ex-b) he knew about it. he hated seeing me with ice-packs on. huh. he's becoming a nurse now. lol. poor patients. "dammit, you're not hurting, he'll tell them, just get up & go home. what's the matter with you." this said while he's pinching the nurse's assistant's butt.

then with my LEXB (liar ex-b) i didn't tell him about it. but then i couldn't sleep in late cuz i had to get up cuz i was uncomfortable & he bitched about that too.

i don't know what to do about this. neither strategy was particularly successful.

so i'm doing nothing. it's really draining to be with someone who is chronically feeling bad. even if they don't say anything, you can see it on their face. one of my GEXBs (good ex-bs) put up with it ok b/c he loved me. but clearly these guys aren't really capable of love. v. selfish.

sigh. it's hard to be me.

this is a sucky holidays so far. cold weather. alone. & i'm walking down the street & this christmas song is playing, something about the sounds of the city. city sidewalks. & my next thought was, yeah, the sounds of everyone getting shot.

what is this world coming too. then i compared my depressing thoughts to the excitement i used to have at christmas as a child. uhoh, i'm turning into my grandparents. or my mother. she didn't walk barefoot home in the snow, but she used to walk 5 miles one way to school. and back. and walk barefoot in the cow-pies. well, that was her choice really. she liked squishing her toes in them. cuz it was warm & gooey.

at 20 degrees i'm not sure i would mind either.