just sit there & stew

this concept of sitting with your feelings & just waiting to see what happens next is a totally new one for me. my feelings tend to scream "JUST DO IT!" and often doing anything is the worst thing at all. b/c usually when you feel that strongly, you don't know exactly what to do. or at least i don't. being relationship challenged & thinking that down is up.

so i'm sitting with my feelings & doing. absolutely. nothing.

tonite i'm gonna try not to think either (even harder than not doing!) so here comes a corona & some great mind-numbing tv & kitten-cuddling.

oh what a relief it is.

the little things

you forget, after being single so long, that some things might be landmines & need to be changed. little things like the wallpaper on your phone, pictures of uh, people & stuff like that. the things that are related to people that really aren't in your life or at least in any serious way, but sure look that way to someone who doesn't know any better.

my exercise 2nite i guess is to clean up my cell phone. i'm not someone who wants to have a code on my phone (though i know guys who do) or have it turned to silent all the time. in fact, those things scream "there are things about me you don't want to know." my doc & i had a conversation last night about transparency & even though we haven't had a state-of-the-relationship conversation, safe is better than endless discussion over nothing.

he has been transparent with me & i find it harder. but i will do it. because it's important to him. i don't think i have anything to hide, but sometimes just the fact that you're not out there with stuff makes it look like it.

it's going to be interesting try to transparentalize my life. i'm not really gonna jump up & do it all at once, but in the interest of fair play (& dealing with someone who is actually brilliant at deduction of the slightest nuance) it just makes sense.

so here i go to find my phone...

trippin'

i think i mentioned this b4, but planning a trip with a preparer & a procrastinator is an interesting exercise. it requires some skill & lots of patience. on both sides.

since i've traveled so much i have pretty definite ideas about how to figure things out & what i want, especially when it comes to my flight & sleeping plans. however, that doesn't sit so well with a red-blooded male who wants to have the solutions. my solution is to provide options & ideas & let him make the final decision. at least about stuff that is negotiable. even that is hard though. ideas are not particularly feminine, feelings are. so trying to talk ideas with a guy who wants to plan is a sensitive issue.

i've been out of r-ships for so long that these things haven't come up. i mean the most discussion i've had is around why a guy is NOT showing up, not around HOW to make that happen. it's a great problem to have. just one that super-independent-me is a little uncertain of.

the good thing is i am learning some communications skills that let me address exactly what i want to say when it needs to be said, & my doc is all about that too. so there is immediate discussion around sensitive situations. that's way cool. i mean really super awesome. none of this resentment building up over anything, just say hey, & you fix it right there.

i'm pretty happy with how things are going. my emotional needs are being met for the first time in, years?, how many exactly? so that makes me very satisfied. yes. this is good.

i don't know how else to say it but - i think this guy is great. now it's up to me to help him keep feeling that way...

sexy texting

here's why you don't do it when you're dating someone else. you can slip up.

i didn't. at least with that. but it reminded me why i am not seeing other guys right now, even though we don't have an official status.

last night i sent a text about my doc to...my doc. instead of my gfriend. sweet. it was rather innocuous & happy about the upcoming trip, but still. how easy to screw up...

so orlando is on. v. happy. we'll see how things go. he is ticketed & planning things.

now the q is - what to do for v-day. hmmm. what do you do for a first unofficial v-day anyway? i'm thinking...

this guy continues to make me very happy. i like. since i'm getting closer to him, i'll probably be writing less, out of respect. about him that is. me, i can always write about me.

after all, that's what this blog is about.

go me.
go me.
go me.

so far so good

well, i'm doing ok with my doc. learning how to communicate, you know, adjust, to somebody new & what they want.

i think the fact that we decided to travel together one month in is raising interesting challenges. we've not yet got a division of roles & responsibilities yet so it's a little - perplexing - from my point of view.

being the planner, i've got everything i need to do planned out already. he's not so much that way. oh well. i'm hoping it will a) happen, & b) be fun. at the very least, we'll enjoy it.

i think traveling is a better option than showing up & meeting his friends as a couple. we haven't even figured out what's going on yet for sure & need a neutral territory to make that happen. preferably one where it's not 13 degrees as it was when he was here. that's a little limiting on - everything.

i seem to be using the word "little" and dashes a lot. hmmm.

in other news, how about that superbowl? finally a bowl worthy of its title, even though i wasn't a fan of either team. just give me a good game, if my boyz ain't playin'.

in still other news, how will daschle make it thru & the president still look good? yeah. not happening. not sure if our new prez is going to besmirch his good name with the appointment of a felon. so my guess is obama will publicly stand behind the man & tell the committee to veto it. it's a no-lose solution.

yeah. i want a felon in office. one with a conscience. yes. who gets embarrassed. right on time, in front of the committee.

did he not think it would catch up with him? are we so jaded we think no public servant (let alone HHS) can be found that hasn't committed some sort of legal infraction?

bah humbag. put him out on his dashcle-a**.

ghosts in the closet

there is that period of getting to know someone new when you just wait for all the ghosts-of-relationships-past to pop out of the closet & freak you out. or make you fall down the stairs & kill ya.

this is one of those times.

the elephant in the room between my doc & i is - why are we both so hot & still single? i'm not sure if i will bring it up, but it's like so fricken' obvious that the question is there.

wonder if i should try to just have a white elephant sale instead of pointing out that there is one. maybe the new buyers could come get it while his head is turned. or mine.

:)

undependence

the transition from being a successful working woman to a sweet girlfriend is not an easy one. i mean, that is if you like a man to be a man & you to be sweet & nice.

how the hell do you get things done? this will be interesting.

i'm so used to just making decisions & doing them. like i want to travel here, so i'll buy a plane ticket & go. now i'm waiting to see what will happen after i've made a couple comments about it. time to sit tight. it's odd to be out of control. v. uncomfortable.

i was talking to a friend online that married at 38. she was telling me about the power struggles she & her husband are having. yes, that will be me. i'm so used to doing my own thing it's hard to NOT.

effecting change when there are broader objectives than your own is a definite skill. it's not one i'm particularly acquainted with, but i definitely want to learn it. being taken care of by a man whose judgment i trust is valuable to me. i'm tired of running everything on my own. so now if i give up that right, i have to take deep breaths & try to figure out my next strategy.

after all, you can't tell a guy what you want & also tell him how to get it done...

scared, boo (hoo)

i just had a chat with one of my childhood classmates. who i haven't talked to since. & he was advising me to take it slow with my doc.

ok, NOW i'm depressed.

i thought i was. bother.

now i'm scared from that. in addition to my own overwhelming fear.

i'm already getting to the attachment stage which is just uncomfortable sticky goo for me. i don't like missing anyone. it's actually like being hungry in a really yucky way. your stomach hurts all over & you are cranky & bother.

did i say that.

urgh. as if i need anyone to tell me to be more careful. i am the queen of careful. some call it - bitter.

update

well, i was able to easily resolve the little "convo" (as cosmo would say) with my doc by telling him i do want to hear everything he observes about me. but if he can just tell me first what's coming & then follow his comments up with lots of "you rock!" at the end, i should be just fine.

i said i had this manager at work that i told "you'll get the best out of me if you start everything with - 'you are doing a great job! now can you do _____ different?" & he sure got a lot more work out of me that way!

he laughed at my description & all was ok.

whew.

i guess that's one way of asking for what i want while still being light. yes, apparently it can be done.

in other fun news, i was interviewed by a reporter & was quoted in the AP. 75 different news sites picked it up including major papers around the country, so it was fun to see self as first quote. this is the second AP story run i've had this year, though in the first one only 15 papers ran it.

mr. busy called me yesterday with drama. he's been dating a psycho who found a nice note i left him when at his place in september. she apparently thought he was cheating on her, although that was before they started dating. i was fine to get on the phone & talk to her (which is what she wanted) but he ultimately handled it with his impeccable logic. funny guy. he seems very happy for me & my doc, with whatever is going on. but interestingly enough is now probably starting to see me in the light of "oops..."

:)

urrgggh

my doc is feeling the need to point out things about me. this tends to come out without any warning & kind of shock me. not that he's wrong. it's kind of like reading agatha christie describe me. he's very good at it.

problem is - it's not sexy. it's killing my attraction to him. at least in that particular moment.

he then wanted to end the conversation & go work out & i was like hey wait, you started this conversation, we need to finish it. he was like well, i want to keep things light between us. i was like, light? i didn't start this topic.

so he had to run (on call) & i texted - hey let's talk tomorrow. so please. a request - before you want to tell me things that make me feel undesirable, please think hard 1st about how to say them in a loving way.

i've never really said things like this to a guy, but i think it averted an unhappy situation & also asked directly for what i want.

dude, be nice.

i'm super-sensitive to criticism so this will be a problem for me if it continues. we'll see what happens.

sigh.

he says we're still getting to know each other, so that's about where he's at with the whole thing. i am gonna just keep going with my life & try & forget about what's going on with him. if something goes on, he will need to make it happen b/c of course, now i'm getting scared.

urgh.

the cure

so my doc came. and went.

and i'm super enthralled. i mean, i so respect this guy. just awesome.

apparently he thought the same thing. his first comments when he arrived back home were, when can we get you out here to visit? i was like, how about, now?

kidding. i was like, great. i'm there.

so i cancelled my vaca with mr. busy who congratulated me on my good fortune with my doc.

in an odd twist, mr. ny tells me he might be coming here to work. wants me to help him find a place. so i e-mailed him the URL for craig's list. happy to help. but not to f*. so i won't be seeing him again. although i haven't told him that yet. i suspect he really won't care either.

so i guess you could say - i have a boyfriend again. for the first time in 2 years.

i compared the picture of my cheater ex with my doc. it's very interesting. i always thought my cheater was the cutest guy i had dated & would always miss that. but no - my doc is way cuter than the cheater, and this is objectively so - so really i am so lucky. as cute guys are a real bonus for me. good looking guys are fine. but i like cute guys with dimples & boyish grins & wow, i lucked out.

super coolness.

happy me.