terror

i experience a kind of terror at the thought of losing a guy in my life. needless to say, this is not sexy, so i try to not share it anymore.

i also have tried to stop the hard end to relationships, rather leaving a door for them to go through still. like, i'm sorry i tried, i found no solution. but you tried for a bit, thank you.

rather than we're done, never call me again.

especially if they haven't done anything to warrant a hard stop, it's pretty wierd to be like that.

well, one does improve.

big hugz to c for the additional comment. yes. i have guys that want to see me, coming from jersey to meet up. will be nice.

on the other hand, i need to not forget that losing my self-confidence is a losing proposition for a relationship & i need to keep that up no matter what. so when mr. big calls again (which he will) i know what to say.

i think i've already planned it out. if for any godknowswhat reason he wants to meet it will be in 3. we will meet up, we will talk the next day & we will meet up again a few days later. if he won't commit to all three, times & dates, i won't even see him once. this would keep my angst in check i think & also set some boundaries for no, you will not disappear on me.

ok, well, that scenario will never happen, but at least i disengaged.

ah, emotional freedom. whew.

i did let it go...

thanks to c for the comment. oddly enough about an hour before i read c's comments, i had just e-mailed mr. big that i couldn't and shouldn't put up with being ignored. that i was super upset about it & that sorry, i had tried. but there was no solution for us getting along.

this makes it all feel better somehow, to know it's not me that's the problem. yeah, i might have issues from my past, but nothing that makes it ok to not treat me well. i mean who comes over & sleeps with you & then ignores all attempts you make to communicate with them in the days afterward? but then - doesn't want to leave, just wants to be in your life somehow, to what - do that all over again?

man, that's just messed up.

yes, i will find someone who fills the emotional void for me. i mean not in me, only i can do that. but for me.

i kept thinking if i'm around him i'll have access to that emotional warmth that he has. & then it was like getting thrown out of a jacuzzi into the middle of the arctic. still in my sexy bikini.

yeah. no.

i will be upset for a while still but at least i presented how i felt calmly and conclusively. sorry buddy, fresh out of solutions since you're such an a*hole.

but sigh, one that i like.

replicator, anyone? anyone?

very depressed lately & crying in my milk.

if i had any milk...

ok. anyhow. whytf do i have to just refuse to settle? i could have settled - even for the last guy i dated that didn't have sexy breath - & be on my way to a happy r-ship. instead i demand to really want the guy i am with.

and so i am single.

botheration.

i don't know what i'd do without facebook. friends on there keep me going since i haven't spoken to anyone all day except my cat & the people at the dollar store. of course i turned down a couple invites today, it's not that no one loves me. just not the right people.

mr. ny wrote from his country, yea. i haven't heard back yet from mr. big though who continues to prefer it if i ignore him for days at a time. i'm trying hard to walk away from his rejective behavior but it's just so hard. i've never dated a guy who is more warm & fuzzy when he is around. i'm busy trying hard to get that somewhere else.

anyone have a star trek replicator for sale?

boy comes thru

it's working! he's doing it! mr. big is actually - drum roll - responding. like he said he would.

and it's good stuff too. one is this...

when i asked him what i should do about other guys that i don't want to date anymore, he gave me a great line.

just tell them you don't like them like that.

it's perfect. it's polite. and it says i won't be f*in you. ever.

ok, now i just have to do that. ugh.

i don't usually ask guys i like for advice on other guys but 1) he is good at it apparently, being the king of diplomacy and 2) seems i'm not in line for dating more seriously & i mean really, we're not even getting along so that would be why and 3) doesn't hurt to point out i got other things goin' on.

change

well this weekend was interesting.

i confronted four guys in my life about how their [unreliable, non-responsive] behavior upset me. one of them i yelled at in person. three of them i yelled at online.

none of them wants to stop our friendship. in fact the guy i yelled at in person said, and i quote, "i don't want to let you go."

now this is interesting. i thought their behavior meant they weren't interested. but they have stated they never meant to hurt me and most of them apologized. the one i care the most about, mr. big, not only didn't leave, he agreed that he would like to try interacting with me more [the responsive part] in lieu of losing me altogher.

i realized i need to state clearly what i need from them. in a nice way. so i will do that. i n3ed to say - i'd like to have you in my life. but in order for us to relate without conflict, i need you to be [reliable, responsive] in all your interactions with me.

what is surprising is that all these guys respected my boundaries. and they wanted to please me. whether i was yelling online or in person - they got my message.

i don't know if their behavior will change but i expect it will. if it is true they never meant to offend, they will try to stop doing so.

what's frustrating is that i have put up with unreliable/unresponsive behavior from guys for years. i mean i've known some of these guys for more than 15 years. and i never called them on it before. now, today, in november 2008, i am setting the bar.

but then talk is cheap. we'll see who actually jumps over...

self-deceit

how do you convince yourself that if a guy leaves - it is a good thing?

i've been so conditioned to having men leaving be this horrible experience for me that i put up with CRAP. i was the one daughter that kept insisting, dad really wants his kids & will treat us well. so of course i keep trying (for 20 years) and end up with egg in face. dad is DAD.

there ain't no changin' him.

so his leaving was a GOOD thing.

right.

tell my psyche that. my poor little abandoned little girl psyche. who thinks that all goodbyes are sad. treacherous.

where is the goodbye that is happy? where i should be so thankful HE LEFT. thank goodness that guy who brings out the WORSE POSSIBLE side of me (gosh these caps are getting annoying. especially all together instead of at the beginning of sentences...)

tonite i will try and tell myself if a guy will not commit to making me happy, when i give him all the tools, he will NEVER make me happy. tools or no. it is about willingness. caring. i deserve that.

i deserve to have a guy treat me well. or leave.

dammit.

dangerous obsession

it's hard to leave someone who brings out the worst in you.

have you ever noticed that?

there are all these guys you date that around them, you are just the best you you could ever want.

but those aren't your demons.

your demons drive your relationships.

or at least mine do.

it is the people that make you WANT and NEED and WOW and OHMYGOSH, all those uncomfortable states that are just super annoying - that you keep lusting after. i don't mean just physical lust, i mean, spiritual lust.

something in your spirit craves these people because, yeah, you got shit to fix.

or at least i do.

why is it the people that make us the most our unwanted selves that we crave? like craving sweets to make us gain weight or get all sugarrushed.

is it the adrenalin rush? or this psychic need of ours to FIX what's broken? so in order to fix it, we can't just put it in the closet, we have to find somebody who will bring it out of us every day. hello, you need to FIX THIS!

me, it's the anxiety. find a guy who will ignore me like my father did, i'm all over him. have him give me attention the craving goes away. wierdness.

who the f* dreamed this kind of torture up?

housecleaning

well i've started kicking guys out of my life again that ignore me. jack is back called me & i yelled at him about la. he didn't intend to offend me, but oh, well, he did. he says he's not going anywhere so we'll see whassup with that.

i took mr. big & mr. military off my facebook profile. & told them why were they around?

i am so sick of putting up with this unreliability maybe i want you maybe i don't crap. don't want me, so go.

that said. i had a good date last night with internet guy. a comedian. and the leader of the meetup group texted me to invite me out tonite.

so i have new men. i just wish the old ones would work. dammit. i don't like losing people.

funny

so the guy in the picture grabbing my thighs is the leader of a group i go out with in the area. he has actually been good for me in a few ways.

after the first time i went out, i wrote him about the halloween party, which i went to with his group. he gave me his cell # then said don't give it out, women stalk me.

then he proceeded to stalk ME.

lol.

not really. just kept calling. i wrote back the first time saying i'd like to hang with the group, no pressure. he called back to tell me he got the message but was calling anyway.

ohhh.

so now i know how it feels like to have someone just a little too interested in you!! this is what i have been doing wrong with guys i like. being just a little too interested. yeah, it tends to make people back off.

i do really like mr. thigh-man. he is cool. but i like to take time to get to know people. a LOT of time. eons. forever. infinity.

don't know if he's up for waiting..... that ...................longggggggggggggggg

dependability 1

i was wondering over the past few days what would happen if i called mr. big in case of an emergency. would he answer? would he be there for me? i realized this is a qualification i have for all the men in my life and somehow he escaped taking this test.

i have never even considered whether or not he would be there for me, probably because i have been too focused on meeting HIS standards.

so i decided to ask him. now this is pretty revolutionary for me. i am really enjoying trying new things though. i mean if he doesn't want to be a dependable man in my life, shouldn't i know this? and if he doesn't want to be there for me, why do i want him around?

i've always considered him a plaything. never taken him very seriously. never even considered that he is a man that takes care of people, why not me.

he has not been responsive to my requests for help in the past (computer stuff) or the lag time has been weeks. but given my new standards - aka that he respond to my communications, i think it is fair to up the ante.

if he is not even a friend, why should i even consider him for more?

funny how long it takes to realize these things...

time warp

it is the wierdest thing. time just seems to speed up after i see guys i like & i get all anxious & think i'll never hear from them again.

and then i do a reality check - like, when did i talk to them last? & in the case of mr. big it was only ..... 5 days ago.

gasp.

it feels like 5 months.

5 days. that's nothing. that's not enough time for anyone to miss anyone. for any new news to transpire. unless it's critical developments (like my company being sold!)

damn time warp.

john gray writes about how when people are uncertain time speeds up for women & slows down for men. clearly this is the case. ugh.

i need to unwarp my speed.