kitty news!

yea, request for kitty news. kitty came back! any little fool could see, he was crazy, to just run off without me! ;)

so after 2 nights he came running across the neighbor's lawn meowing full force & headed straight for his food dish. he ended up with a spot of something on his leg, which he had licked clean so it looked all yucky. i scheduled a vet appt but then it seems to be healing, so i'll just take him for kitty shots instead & if the nurse gasps, sign up for the doc. save about $100 that way.

he's been indoors since his last escapade. sleeping like a loggy. well, that is, when he's not meowing to go out. but no go until his leg gets ok from the pros.

i guess i'll have to resign myself to a life of kittys & men that come & go at will & without warning...

new guy seems to be somewhat like i am, unsure. but he's not asking me out so i've been seeing where that stands. we tried to get together yesterday at my request but the option was to follow him to a hotrod street car show at foxboro stadium & the traffic that way is ugh. i already went by the stadium yesterday anyway to a client meeting so not fun. today i asked him about my friend's band playing tonite (remember the bitchy bachlorette? her now-husband used to play in it) so we'll see what excuses he makes. if any, i am done asking to see him.

in the meantime, mr. NY is in the picture again so i have company as i fight my baby angst again. urgh.

having a very hard time accepting the decisions i've either made or NOT made in life. much anxiety lately & nowhere to turn. oh yes, i can turn my head to hear kitty meow. the birds are calling him & he can't come out & play.

darn it.

lucky birds.

america's next top model

my obsession. yea. bravo ran a whole season so that's my activity today if new guy doesn't show up.

inside my air-conditioned place - for the first time this summer. yea for A/C.

now. if i just had my kitty i would be happy.

[sends out catnip vibes to the universe]

grr

well, my kitten for company - wasn't. he's gone. 2 nights now. i'm worried he won't come back. i imagined last night (or heard) him yowing when i called for him, so today i did a short walk of the houses & didn't hear him b/c the wind was blowing. i figure later today if he doesn't show up i'll go look in all the windows of the houses around b/c that's where he'll be if he can be.

i really hope somebody didn't take him. i need to call the girl that said he visits sometimes. hopefully she's not feeling bad for locking him in & then trying to make friends with me. ooh i think evil things of people. i will call her this p.m. if he doesn't show up.

otherwise what do you do. he wanted to be an outdoor cat, not much i can do.

sad. new guy was playing a gig last night so i spent the evening alone. no kitty either. waaah.

not letting go

as princessB said, there is letting go & holding on. so for some reason i'm missing all the people i just let go, so of course i'm checking in on them again. but it's interesting because i'm seeing new guy sometimes, he was here last night for a while. so in a sense, they're helping me keep perspective on him - aka not diving in like before.

i'm not actually so sure about him anyway, but he is compatible on so many levels & is just super sweet. he's actually winning me over even though i've never dated his type before. for one thing, he never says any "rs" as i was teasing him about last night.

last night we actually had our first serious conversation, which went rather well. it started with me mildly objecting to him repeatedly talking about his ex-wife. then we talked through the whole thing a bit in a very rational way. i was impressed with us.

it's raining cats & dogs today, so kitten is sitting at the top of his kitty tree, observing all the cats falling outside that are NOT him. very good investment. yea. one happy cat.

it's not over until...

well i decided to hook up with mr. NY again. he's single again & i'm still that way so WTH.

seeing new guy tonite. not so sure about things but we'll see. (something happened with him that was wierd, but i won't go into it...) i just don't want to give up something & i'll have to with any guy. urrgh.

plus when i see mr. NY again i think gee, why do i need to change anything?

i swear when we get together it's like a fricken movie. yeah, for sure. and i feel so young & sexy.

but that's not all there is to life. problem is, i want that badly. that young sexy feeling. apparently i want it more than other things, so i give them up to keep that around. i'm not so sure i like that choice...

in other news, client meeting today that i'm suiting up for. oddly enough, work is very fulfilling. i do want more though. i mean gee, really. i wish (for the millionth time) i were a guy. then i COULD have work & kids cuz i'd have a built-in babysitter.

dammit. why did god make me a woman? i'm so pissed at that right now. ok, him.

he's not doing very well by me lately. what is up with that? i just think i got shortchanged by god when i was supposed to get favored cuz my dad is a preacher.

not.

well, it happens

so i finally have a new guy. of quality. & substance.

last night my new guy told me i was everything he was looking for. i didn't really take in the idea at the time, but it sure was interesting to think about this morning.

i asked him how he knew this, and he pointed out that he'd showed up & done everything he could to turn me off (essentially, by telling me the truth about his life, divorce, kids) & i - was still here. he said i drive a nice car, have a great job, etc. but i didn't show up telling you all that, i just said the truth. i was like, well, i don't like being impressed anyway. so that worked.

i pondered that thought & pointed out to him he'd managed to do that without shooting himself in the foot, which is what most guys do. he hadn't put himself down, he'd just told it like it is.

me, on the other hand, didn't tell him how impressed i was. a man that is kind, generous, provides for women & his children (and now me cuz he's been paying for everything even if i offer), has a personality AND a career, and most important - values the qualities in me that i've been like WTF doesn't anybody notice. plus, he is ok with religion & knows a lot about it - but has my same priorities of BALANCE. on, did i mention he is cute & affectionate?

yeah. it's been a while. i've been dating guys for years who just don't care about the things that really matter in a person because they didn't want relationships. so what if you are spectacular, i'm looking for so many "yous" that eh, whatever.

so we'll see what happens, but at the moment, i'm shall we say, falling...

finally...

...as princessB blogs tonite, a change in the weather.

after not hearing from new guy (POF guy that i met) for a week, i decided before i wrote him off to text him. so i did. and i got a really sweet text back. me: enjoyed hanging out with you! him: me too, would love to meet up again so i can get off this site.

i thought. hmm. promising.

then nothing. he couldn't go see tall ships with us & nothing else.'

so i bit my nails until yesterday, when he showed up again & wanted to do dinner. so we did dinner last night.

very impressed. he reminds me of a composite of a couple exes of mine, but seems to have gotten further down the career & socialization & commitment path than either of them. so we'll see.

oddly enough, his relationship broke apart over religion, the fundamental greatest influence of my life. but fortunately i found a balance, & it seems he did too.

i'm hopeful. i got off POF anyway, before i heard back from him tuesday. just so many guys out there wanting to either waste your time (what do you do? how do you do it? when do you do it? with whom do you do it? why do you do it?) or want to hook up. i did enough of that. been there. done that. eh.

so. we'll see. i have a really good feeling about this.

and my guess is, as long as i do, he'll keep coming back. because it seems to be when i don't have a good feeling anymore that things fall apart. & the guy leaves. or i leave him. & then i want that good feeling back (that was already wrecked when i decided things wouldn't work between us, but i didn't want to admit it).

maybe i can break that cycle. or. maybe it's not me, since all these guys are either still single or - in the case of my cheater ex - unhappy now.

anyhow. here's to new beginnings...

and we have...NOT reached our destination. or any for that matter...

just when i think i've gotten somewhere, i find myself two steps back. my frustration with men continues. i wonder if it will ever end. i think not.

so the online guy that i spent the 4th with didn't show. just in case, i texted him a week later (yesterday, showing remarkable restraint for me) saying i enjoyed hanging out with him. he responded immediately that he felt the same, would love to see me again, and he couldn't wait to get off the dating site. so i invited him to the tall ships yesterday. he sent a nice response, baby shower, gig he is playing, he could try to get out of it. i said, nah good to keep your gigs have fun.

nothing since.

so unless he is unseasonably busy, nothing is going to come of this guy.

in the meantime, the cute (27 YO) german friend of my friend seems to like me. he's been at about 3 things that i've done with my friend lately and he is new to town. he went with me to see the tall ships again. and i am very amused by his stories. he's well-traveled and interesting and likes to talk. i like to listen, so that works fine. he's also asking a lot of questions about me which leads me to believe he likes me.

when i asked my friend about him a few days ago, she said oh no, he's too young for you. yes, he even exceeds my 10-year limit. so i didn't even consider him more than a friend. but i'm curious. he mentioned visiting the aquarium about 4 times and i think he wanted me to say i'd go with him. so i said i would. (he's a diver.)

i guess you just go with what IS sometimes, rather than what you WISH would be. all the time i was with him i was thinking about the other guy & wondering if he'd show up again.

but oh well. i really am wondering why i can't seem to be in a r-ship so at this point, i'm not sure i want to be so picky.

life is sure strange. for me, anyway...

the more the merrier

as the laws of attraction go, the guy i like hasn't shown up again, so i've responded to nearly every guy that wrote to me on POF. what the heck. i ended up liking this guy & thought i wouldn't so i'll give it a try.

going to see the tall ships today. should be fun. :) sunny weather, yea.

might end up with a POF date, we'll see.

movin' right along...

last night in a drunk moment i wrote mr. NY a pissed off e-mail saying if you didn't feel the need to lie to me (about the status of our non-relationship) i might still be seeing you. do you really think women like to hear s***? he'll probably be pissed, and good. months of not being able to tell me the truth, that he didn't want to date me.

at last my ex-cap told me the truth.

grrrr. annoyed.

new guy

so i met a new guy. we'll call him New Guy.

met him online, POF.com. he's - shockingly - my age. normal. cool. nice. we've met up exactly twice. day before the 4th, and the 4th with my friends.

i am in like. serious like.

for one thing, he is super affectionate like my (ex)cap, but cares about me. unlike my (ex)cap. he is also smart like mr. ny. but doesn't treat me dismissively as he does.

yeah i know, i figured this all out in 2 dates. yes. but that's ok. this guy may not come back again (although he didn't say he'd call, which is a good sign) but even if he doesn't, he reminded me - sweet, cool guys exist.

i don't need to go round & round in circles chasing my tail to find them.

ah.

now we wait [taps fingers on table...]

revelation

so blogging is good. i just realized the main theme...

1) i can't make up my mind
2) i get pissed at everyone i date

guys don't leave me, i actually leave them first. or i get bored. or annoyed.

i can't remember a time when i was seriously in love OR like with someone and they left. i either left first or told them we shouldn't date exclusively anymore or had already gotten bored but didn't want to admit it - and then they left. if i hadn't already.

this even happened with the jerk. i was the one who questioned long-term (rightfully so).

so the guys that stay in my life actually like me. they just don't commit in general. or - i have gotten upset and wishy-washy with them about whether we should be together or not.

i haven't met any other women with this kind of pattern. most women i know get stuck in r-ships and can't get out. me, i can't seem to stay in.

but still. i have never regretted. there is no guy since my childhood that i wish i were with, because for all of them, i would have given up part of myself. for one moved to another country. for another, not gone to grad school. for yet another, moved out of state & left my job. should i go on?

as it is, i am whole.

single, but not in pieces.

now the question is, how to merge this whole piece of me with somebody else. yes, i'm working on that...

it's called legos. i have great legs. so i just need the 0's.

(hee hee)